America's Love of 3D Grows Curiouser and CuriouserS

While everyone in Hollywood was busy preparing for last night's celebrity prom, a 3D movie was quietly having the best March opening weekend ever. Sure it was on IMAX screens so every ticket cost $40, but it's still impressive.

1) Alice in Wonderland — $116.3 million
Yes, one hundred and sixteen million. That's a lotta millions! What this basically means is that those of you who were desperately hoping that this whole 3D renaissance would be a crazy and passing fad are unfortunately going to have to suffer and endure for a bit longer, because that shit is eminently bankable right now. People love to think that the stuff on the screen is coming at them. Just love it. The question for Alice is now whether or not it will hold on and continue dominating with good word of mouth and all that. Everyone I know who saw it said it was dumb and bad, but everyone I know is a jerk. So what did you think, lowly reader? Did you shuffle off sadly to your local rundown cineplex and wheezily say "Ticket for one, please" and then chomp greasily on popcorn and vaguely, whiningly delight as Alice and all her friends Came Right At You? What's that? You went with friends or on a date and are fabulously good looking and had a fabulously good looking time? Well, I guess people I don't know are jerks too.

2) Brooklyn's Finest — $13.5 million
What do you think? Was it the Richard Gere appeal? Ethan Hawke? Wesley Snipes?? Something about this movie was attractive to people and I just don't think it could be the plot. What was the plot, even? The movie basically should have been called We Own the Yards of Pride & Glory because it is the same exact thing as every other movie in this new-ish Gritty Cop Movies About Family and Honor genre that's been kicking around inexplicably for a few years now. The individual movies aren't bad, it's just that they are all the same movie, over and over and over again. Has anyone ever seen Antoine Fuqua and James Gray in the same room?

4) Cop Out — $9 million
It's holding on! Even though boyfriends the nation over were forced to go see that Alice movie instead of this, their true hearts' desire, this weekend, the Bruce Willis/Tracy Morgan dramedy dropped only about 50% and pushed its two-week take to $32 million. That's a respectable number, especially for a Kevin Smith movie, especially these days. So well done, Cop Out! You may go down in film history as the movie that's actually redeemed by Seann William Scott, like Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story before you, but no matter. Cop Out 2: The Cops Are Coming At You should be a big, big hit.

9) Crazy Heart — $3.3 million
This grizzled old movie continues to ride a wave of Oscar buzzzz, and actually increased its grosses from last week by 36%. Good for it and its crazy, crazy heart. It's really a miracle that anyone is actually going, because for me it's one of those movies that I know I should see and I've even gone so far as to make plans to see it, but then something comes up or I'm just not in the mood and it gets postponed and I still haven't seen Crazy Heart. I suppose I will someday. But now that the Oscar urgency is suddenly gone... I wonder when that will be. Some time in the future, when I am old and tired, they will rerelease Crazy Heart and I'll go see it and sigh to myself and say "Ohh, remember Jeff Bridges?" And then I'll say "Look how young Colin Farrell was!" and I will think about the winter I was 26 and how I never went to see Crazy Heart, because I foolishly thought I had all the time in the world.

18) The Hurt Locker — $439,000
This movie, a bigtime Oscar winner, has only earned $14 million in domestic box office. Which makes it the lowest-grossing Best Picture winner in ever. Go see this movie! Or rent it! Is it on video? It can't be, I don't think. Not if it's still playing in theaters. Or maybe it is. I don't know. Either way, find a way to see it and go do so. Things blow up and there are guns! It isn't artsy and boring. There aren't women in period costumes weeping and holding parasols while they diffuse bombs. Although that would be kind of wonderful. "Madam, your bustle has activated that explosive." "Oh dear..." BOOM. But yeah. Go watch! What are you waiting for, a Crazy Heart double feature rerelease?