If you were like me, last night you were watching the show with plenty of questions. Why so long? Why so bad? Who is that weird red-haired lady crashing the stage? Well, we found some answers and even more questions.
Mystery: Who the hell was that red-haired lady crashing the stage during the Best Documentary Short acceptance speech?
What Happened: Some crazy lady in a purple dress pulled a Kanye and hopped up to the mic and just started talking over director-producer Roger Ross Williams. She made no sense at all.
Status: Solved. That woman was producer Elinor Burkett. She and Williams had a bitter feud over the direction of the film that resulted in a lawsuit. Salon has the full, awesome story. She accuses Williams' mother of tripping her with a cane to keep her from getting on stage. The Oscars needed a lot more of this.
Mystery: What was up with George Clooney's face?
What Happened: The silver fox was acting squirrelier than usual and making strange grimaces at the camera.
Status: Solved: As we told you earlier Clooney was drunk from his secret flask. Who knows if the faces were because he was pissed (drunk) or pissed (upset) but we venture it was a combo of the two.
Mystery: Did the Academy leave Farrah Fawcett and others out of the Dead People Montage?
What Happened: The video collection of dead people highlights seemed shorter than usual this year (if you don't count the entirely separate shout out to John Hughes who was never once nominated for an Oscar in his life) but they left several people out, like Fawcett, Bea Arthur, and Ed McMahon.
Status: Solved. Yes, it was intentional. The Academy felt that in all three instances their work didn't qualify them for inclusion, even though Michael Jackson and Brittany Murphy made the grade. They are not apologizing for skipping them either, saying every year some people must be left out. We smell Betty White's hand in this.
Mystery: Did Sandra Bullock diss Meryl Streep?
What Happened: When she got up to accept her trophy, Sandy B made a move toward Meryl, who tried to hug her or something, and then Sandy walked away and Meryl made the "Oh, never mind" gesture. The video is here.
Status: Solved: Yes, she did. It doesn't seem intentional, but the hug clearly didn't connect. Maybe that is why Sandy repeatedly called Meryl her lover in her speech, to make up for causing her to look a fool on television.
Mystery: What was up with those lamp shades?
What Happened: At various points in the broadcast, a giant wall of lamp shades descended from heaven to make the stage look like the party room at a T.G.I. Friday's in Wilkes-Barre.
Status: Solved: It was a mistake—a very bad mistake.
Mystery: Does Cameron Diaz not know how to read?
What Happened: When she came out to present the award for Best Animated Feature with Steve Carell, they read their little banter and Cameron called Steve "Jude" by mistake before he corrected her and said their skit was originally written for Jude Law and they never fixed the Teleprompter
Status: Solved: It was just a really bad joke, people. See, they talk about how Animated Features keep their beautiful faces off screen, and then we find out that it was supposed to be written for Jude Law, because, of course, no one would ever call Steve Carell attractive. Ha! Jokes. Too bad the show was so lame and riddled with mistakes that their very plausible meaning was a little too plausible.
Mystery: What the fuck happened to Judd Nelson?
What Happened: When a bunch of brat packers, including a radiant Molly Ringwald, came out to pay tribute to John Hughes, it was apparent that all of them had aged, but none as badly as The Breakfast Club bad boy, who was practically unrecognizable.
Status: Unsolved. He's still working as an actor, so no one thinks he is destitute or drug-riddled or something. Everyone noticed he looked crazy but no one knows why. Yet.
Mystery: Was Kathy Ireland drunk or on drugs?
What Happened: The former supermodel was one of three co-hosts for ABC's 30-minute red carpet special before the show began. She was horrible. Bad interview followed bad interview, she seemed semi-coherent, and her non-microphone-holding arm barely moved.
Status: Solved. She was not on drugs. Now we have even more questions. Considering she has a billion (yes, that's a b) dollar design business and we have never seen her host on TV before, what the hell was she doing there? Of all the people that ABC could have tapped to do the gig, why choose an inexperience lady who looks like she has a prosthetic? Is Kelly Ripa too normal or something? And if we wanted some crazy old lady with lots of plastic surgery on the red carpet, why not bring back Joan Rivers? Our mind is still boggling.
Mystery: Will people watch again?
What Happened: Last night's telecast had the highest ratings in five years with 41.3 million viewers. It was also one of the worst productions in recent memories. Will people bother next year?
Status: Solved. Of course. It's the Oscars. Maybe not as many, but you know they'll be there. And please, please, just let Neil Patrick Harris host next year. He promises his tux won't be nearly as shiny.
Mystery: Why the hell was there street dancing at the Oscars?
What Happened: A troupe of television dancers were given the stage to do strange hip-hop contortions to the classically-influenced music of the Best Score nominees.
Status: Unclear. We solved how it happened—director Adam Shankman who is a choreographer and TV dance show host—but we will forever be asking why. Why, why, why?