Second Life Sex Pervs Keep US Economy Afloat

The Way We Live Now: Traditionally. We're subtly reverting to the days of yore. When women were paid in buttons. When the Hamptons were sleepy beach villages. When money was...controlled by Second Life sex fiends. Well, semi-traditionally.

Women: Still underpaid! Hey, that's not news. Here's what would be news: if the US government were offering homeowners cold hard cash if they sell their crappy underwater homes at a loss. That would be news.

People change, but things mostly stay the same. See? East Hampton was very la-dee-da for a minute there, but now it's essentially reverted to its former status as "a place that does not have Brooks Brothers, Cole Haan and Calypso Home stores there."

All thanks to the recession! So don't be surprised if you see one of your fellow citizens walking down the street whistling a happy tune. He's probably just one of the many sex fiend nerds who made $567 million in real money last year selling various forms of penises and rape machines to his fellow digital deviants.

It's all very much "the good old days are back again." Sure, times are tough, but at least the men are happy spending their last nickels on realistic internet dog sex while the women slave away for pennies on the dollar and spend their free time clipping coupons like real live maniacs. It's the principle that America was founded upon. (Dog sex).