Personal grooming with Brad Pitt. Sure, he doesn't want to shave now. But once he experiences the luxurious caress of a badger-bristle brush and feels the sweet weight of a platinum straight-edge razor hewn by blind artisans in the Himalayas in his hand, he won't be able to resist. To test his new skills, Brad will in turn stage an intervention on Apolo Ohno.
Housecleaning with Lindsay Lohan. After her bizarre Hoarders-like episode of Insider, I question LiLo's ability to maintain a livable domicile. Martha should sweep in and teach Lindsay the art of straightening, vacuuming, and unclogging drains tangled with dead hair and stray extensions. At the end of the episode, Martha could slip Linds a little piece of paper with the number of a good maid service on it.
Posture and etiquette with Kristen Stewart. Dedicated to the art of being a hostess, Martha is versed in manners and the making of small talk, which Kristen needs. She'll put the sulky, slouchy starlet through a My Fair Lady-like boot camp where Kristen stands with a stack of Emily Post etiquette guides stacked on her head, her mouth full of marbles, and recites: "Hello, pleased to meet you, I'm happy to be here." Is that cocaine in your nose? Spit it out in Headmistress Martha's hand. Come to think of it, Lindsay would benefit from this episode, too. Ke$ha, Miley, Taylor Momsen, the Hiltons, the Olsens, and the Geldofs, too.
A second debut for Tinsley Mortimer. Now that the newly single Queen Bee socialite is reclaiming her youth with a reality show on the CW, the Tinz says she's "living my life a little bit in reverse now. It's like what I should have done in my 20s." She needs a parent figure to announce her sexual availability with an elaborately choreographed cotillion. Of course, Martha will have to foot the bill herself, because that's another rule about throwing parties for 20-something New York brats: Someone older always pays.
Cooking lessons for Britney Spears. Poor Britney doesn't know how to cook, which is why she is forced to eat McDonald's all the time. Martha should teach her the ways of homemade ricotta, arugula salads picked from the organic garden in her own backyard, and honey harvested from local bees nursed only on award-winning primroses. Once you've had the fancy lettuce, you can never go back. [AP] [Pics: Getty, Getty, Bauer-Griffin, Getty, Getty, Bauer-Griffin]