Want to live a long, healthy life? Listen to science! Get off your ass, stop being sexually abused, and never get angry, or have a headache, or—worst of all—have an angry abusive headache. We're watching science, calmly!

  • Do you want to live to be 85, for some strange reason? Then exercise, and never stop! Scientists say that as soon as you sit your ass on that couch to relax, you will die (more or less).
  • "Children who have been abused psychologically, physically or sexually are more likely to suffer unexplained abdominal pain and nausea or vomiting than children who have not been abused." Hey kids, stop that sexual abuse vomiting behavior or you'll never live to see 85. Get your acts together!
  • You use pain relievers, to relieve pain? You will totally go deaf. Particularly if you are one of the "Caucasians."
  • Mad scientists say that "a pattern of angry outbursts" may in fact be a sign of mental illness, rather than just a sign that you're an asshole. We're off the hook again, jerks!

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