If a teen ever wants to go on 16 and Pregnant, there are three things MTV demands: Be 16, be pregnant, and have an emotionally abusive boyfriend. The only difference is the boy's hobby. Last night: hunting!

The girl is almost considered a dramatic foil at this point to highlight just how awful the boy is. And last night's foil was Chelsea. Everything about Chelsea's life is simple and charming. She lives in a quaint little South Dakota town, with an adorable little pug, and a blue-eyed dad that says things like "I don't give a hoot!" It's all just too cute to handle. And then you throw her Adam, her boyfriend, in the mix. And that cuteness takes a rude turn for the worse.

Adam, Chelsea's loathsome lump of a boyfriend, is not charming; he is not adorable. He is mean, and likes to work on taking old, stupid motors out of his car, and putting other, apparently better motors inside of that same car. Adam is the opposite of charming. Adam personality stands out against a verdant, flowery South Dakota landscape like a hipster at a Cracker Barrel. Because of all of this, and this is actually pretty shocking (this is not shocking whatsoever), Adam treats Chelsea like shit. And Chelsea eats up his emotional abuse with the biggest spoon she can find. So probably something like a ladle. She ladles Adam's hate soup into her love gullet. "He's only mean to me because I make him mad!" she cries, becaue she thinks nobody understands her and Adam's relationship. In this clip, Chelsea feels as if she's the only girl who has ever felt this way about a a boy. She is not. The throngs of emotionally abused girlfriends all over the world all say the same exact thing.

And wouldn't you know it? Somehow Adam's (probably mean) sperm wriggled its way inside of Chelsea and got her pregnant. A future pheasant hunter/deadbeat dad of America!

But the fact that Chelsea's baby will either be raised with a terrible father, or no father at all doesn't stop her from having some fun with her friends. Still under the impression that having a baby is just like having a doll, and since a pug is approximately the same size of a baby—yeah, you guessed it. That dog is gonna put on a fashion show. Whimsy!

Whimsy doesn't last for long, though, as Chelsea goes into labor during Algebra class. Of course it was during math, where one would assume that 75% of teens go into labor, because math totally sucks. And wouldn't you know it, that baby pops out in no time flat, premature, five weeks early. And even though Adam was there for the baby's birth, it is a short and sweet affair, because this baby will grow up with either a lousy father, or an absent father. And last night's episode had a perfect metaphor for how Adam will care for this baby:

Because Adam simply isn't mature enough to understand what it is to be a father. He thinks he's looking at the big picture, but he is missing out on everything in the meantime. When Chelsea has to take the baby to the doctor because it has respiratory problems, and Adam isn't there, his response is "well at least she didn't die." When Chelsea demands that Adam pay more attention to his child, he tells her he has her whole life to get to know her. He will know his sweet restored IROC-z better than he will ever know his own child. These myopic statements are usually followed up by Adam telling Chelsea to "stop being dumb." What a pleasant young boy!

In a very short time after Audrey is born, things quickly fall apart between the loveless triangle between Adam, his "girlfriend" and his child. He has been M.I.A for three weeks, and when Chelsea decides to go out during homecoming and leave the baby at home, she finally hears from Adam again. Adam, being possessive with absolutely no right to be so, is furious. And in a depressingly heated exchange between him and Chelsea, he sends the most awful, mean-spirited text message I have ever seen in my life.

16 and Pregnant: Dad's Gone Fishin'S

Wow. That is some 7th level of hell shit right there. That's a text message insulting your girlfriends intelligence, her physical appearance, and her child, all neatly packaged in under 160 characters. Skeletor tips his hat to you for being so evil, Adam. Well thankfully it's a blessing in disguise, because no child needs a paternal presence like that in their life. So while the baby won't grow up to become a professional pheasant hunter, she'll be spared years of emotional abuse. Hooray!

Overall, Adam doesn't compare to the monster that is Josh (no one ever will), but he is definitely worse than Maci's boyfriend Ryan. Hopefully he can keep his dick in his pants in the future and grow up to care about something besides himself, hunting pheasants, or rebuilding his cars in the future. Most likely not, but here's to hoping.