Last month, we told you that Victoria Beckham was the worst American Idol judge ever. And like Richard Lawson predicted, we were wrong, because Kara DioGuardi is absolutely, unequivocally, indescribably worse than Posh. Or anyone. Inside, proof from tonight's episode.
DioGuardi's devolution has been swift. Before, she was just sort of like that nice enough girl who got confused once in a while that you remember from high school, but didn't pay much attention to, anyway, so it was fine. Now, she's like an annoying Paula Abdul-wannabe housefly on steroids and drunk with bronzer.
It's time for DioGuardi to put up—by ditching the delusions she employs while criticizing the Idol finalists, as well as the pathetically obvious attempts to "recreate" the Paula Abdul experience—or shut up. Here's why (all of the following clips are from tonight's Top 8 guys performance episode).
1) She thinks that ribbing with Simon Cowell is not only appropriate, but also cute
After starting the season seated next to Randy Jackson, DioGuardi quickly made sure that she'd be next to Simon Cowell, instead. And as if that wasn't enough, she's tried—and failed—desperately to recreate the flirty banter that he had with Abdul.
Ugh, girl, no. Just... no. Not cute. Not funny. Not genuine. And, most importantly, not Paula.
2) She consistently provides completely pointless criticism devoid of any tangible benefit of any kind, like this
3) She gives criticisms like this—in which she tells Aaron Kelly that his song choice wasn't appropriate because he's only 16 years old and it's about a father calling his children on the phone—which are even worse than the kind described above
At least Cowell put her in her place, but still, unghhhh.
4) She chides a contestant for being "dramatic" when singing an effing Queen song
Todrick Hall sang "Somebody to Love," and DioGuardi thought it was "sooo dramatic." Um, it's QUEEN.
5) She's full of crocodile tears
Michael "Big Mike" Lynche's performance of Maxwell's version of Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work" brought DioGuardi to tears—too bad they weren't real, and just confirmed even more that she's trying—and, again, failing—to emulate Abdul.
That is all.
P.S. — Ellen groped Tim Urban tonight.