Alex Blagg is not going to improvise like some sort of monkey; Lily Allen is not going to stand for your "fat whore" condolences; and Nick Bilton is not particularly enjoying this week's pressure cooker. The Twitterati defied reality.
"No worries, it's all good" is probably not the best response to Celebuzz.com editor Alex Blagg's anti-laid-back rejoinder. But it might be an entertaining one, ultimately.
Singer Lily Allen is so offended that she's actually now offended by your perception of her offendedness. "Fat whore" is the insult with its own radioactive fallout.
And so it begins. Time to shut off Twitter for a week. (And "facepunch" the Guardian's Silicon Valley contributor, if it makes you feel better.)