You there, Seacrest! What day is this? Oh I had the most wondrous vision last night. Last night I think I actually cared about this season of American Idol. I felt real feelings. Too bad they were angry feelings.

Yeah. Those eliminations last night? They were bunk, man. Well three quarters of them were, at least. But we'll get to those in a moment. You know what else was bunk, though? That new bit they tried called Two Completely Forgettable Contestants From Last Year Do Dueling Pianos. What the Dunkleman was that thing? And then afterward Seacrest walked up to Scott the Blind Guy and it was all "Hey, dude how's it going, dude" and all faux relaxed and shit when all Seacrest was thinking was "Don't try to high-five him. Don't try to high-five him. Oh god, don't try to high-five him." And then Matt Giraud was on the other side. Matt Giraud, ladies and gentlemen. Him. Nothing says "music star" quite like... Matt Giraud. He said he was working on some stuff, a jazz tune he did with some lady had hit number one on iTunes' jazz charts. Oh I'll bet iTunes' Jazz Charts are just a bumping place to be, here in the year 2010. Ohhhhhh smoooooth jazz on the computer. So many people who love jazz know how to operate a computer. Jazz. Matt Giraud. Ladies and gentlemen.

The eliminations!


Todrick Hall
This was not surprising. The guy just didn't have much steam. He was perfectly capable, but would always be known as the dancer who was trying to sing. For whatever reason, folks just don't cotton to that kind of thing on Idol. I think in some ways they don't want to root for someone who's already sorta worked in The Biz. Todrick was on Broadway. There's not a lot of come-up-from-nowhereism in that story. Plus, he just wasn't the strongest vocalist. Plain and simple. Simple and plain. Goodbye Todrick! See you on the White Way.

The Witch of Blackbird Pond
This was surprising! I thought people loved Willa the Wisp. Though maybe she suffered from a sort of vote-splitting kind of thing. Those that wanted weird-haired ladyguitar went for Crystal Bloomersmacks, and those that wanted a pretty girl who plinked out a few notes on her cute little mandolute went for Didi Baloney. So Elizabeth Proctor just got stuck in the middle, left to fend for herself with nothing but her fading witch powers to protect her. It's too bad, because the gal had chops. And she was up against Katie Stevens! This season's second most-annoying contestant! (After Haeley, of course and forever.) Though in America's defense, sort of, I will say that Professor Trelawney was maybe one of the worst-styled contestants in American Idol history. (OK, that's probably overreaching, but.) I mean those ridiculous gray tatters of hair. Gray!!!! On a show about youth and spunk! You're gonna show up with motherfucking gray hair you idiot? Gah. Plus she always wore fourteen layers of pancake makeup and then no color, so her whole face, lips included, were this washed-out mess. I mean she looked really terrible. So I get that, America. You are all horrible shallow people, but I get you. Because I too am a horrible shallow person. The witch has been burned at the stake of public opinion. Now. What else floats? Very small rocks? Churches?


Katelyn Epperly
This was really a "The fuck?" moment last night. She was up against Paige Miles. Yes, the Paige Miles. Paige Miles who's had no idea where she is for weeks now. She wants to go home but is too nervous to ask anyone how exactly she can go about doing that. "Well, I don't want to bother them, they all seem so busy... I'll just stand here. They'll figure it out eventually." Except they won't, Paige! They once put a cat scratching post through to the final two! They didn't notice until almost the very end! You could literally put a wig on a shoe and the Idol producers would be like "Great great, get this kid in hair and makeup, we're live in ten." Paige, you need to say something. Just tell them you have an emergency or something. It'll be fine. But if you don't, then more people like Katelyn Epperly, a deserving contestant, will be sent home. Epperly! Can you believe it? What is America thinking? First, and most importantly, she's pretty. (Though I suppose that doesn't matter that much to the TeenScream 5000 voting collective.) But also she was certainly one of the better singers out of the rumpled and disastrous ladies. And yet, now she's dead. Dead and buried. Out by that old creepy shed in the back. A sad little barely-marked grave. Just a cross of sticks. Ryan muttering "In spirito sancto..." and blessing himself and walking away. A cold moon perched in the sky. The air in wisps. A faraway cackle. The Witch out there somewhere in the woods, planning.

Alex Lambert
Watch this at the 1:35 mark. That's how I feel about you, America. No, ya didn't. YOU ELIMINATED THE BEST GUY. Ohhhhhh I know Fozzie Bear sang that pretty Maxwell song on Wednesday and hurbity-burbity. But will you ever actually buy that fool's slow-moans album? No, you won't. Would you buy Carol Brady's album of teen-centric Jason Mraz songs? Yeah, you would. So why are you not voting for him, America? I suppose I could have done my part and cast a vote or two, but I'm just one man. I just don't understand this. That Teenager from Texas is still on the show! Still on the show! And Alex Lambert, the great white hope of Idol season 27 has now been tossed in a shallow grave next to Epperly, two blondes not making a right, his sad and beautiful mullet lost forever to the ages. I do not understand. I will never understand. I just want to know why.

So that's that and here's your Top 12, America! You've got Fozzie Bear, Idi Amin, a kid from Texas who's someday going to go on a shooting spree from a bell tower or settle down with a nice fellow named Bruce or both, Katie the Uneven Stevens, the Egghead Latino who somehow made it through, a couple of other people, Paige Miles who's starting to really get worried that they might never let her leave, and Tim Urban.

Tim Urban. Sex bomb. Hollister mannequin. Beautiful disaster. This is the worst season of American Idol in history. And the worst part? All of a sudden, I care.