Billy Corgan Is the Guy Who Lets You Cry on His Shoulder, Then Cops a FeelS

Jessica Simpson refuses to call Billy Corgan her boyfriend, but "If I am going through a hard time I definitely would talk to Billy." She has fallen for the oldest romantic gambit in the book: the Sneaky Nice Guy Lover.

It's the seventh mystery of the celebrity world: How does Billy Corgan keep scoring hot chicks? The whitest, baldest man in the world has been linked to Jessica Simpson, Helena Christensen, Tila Tequila, various hot indie musicians, and a hot weather girl.

Most recently, after Billy lambasted Jessica's mean ex John Mayer to Rolling Stone, Jess gave a glowing statement to E!'s Marc Malkin about her "very loyal friend" Billy:

"Billy is a dear dear friend of mine," Simpson tells me. "If I am going through a hard time I definitely would talk to Billy. He always has the best words. [...] Billy is a loyal friend—a very loyal friend. And that's nice to have these days."

Now we know how Billy does it: He is a Sneaky Nice Guy Lover*, the kind who lets you cry on your shoulder, then cops a feel. He will listen to you whine about your mean ex-boyfriend and say you deserve someone better, someone who will respect you—someone like him.** You will fall for it because you like to be flattered. You will lead him on under the guise of "platonic friends." Maybe you will use the phrase "like a brother." But notice how he never denies the relationship; he will let the rumor mill churn. He will linger in the background, floating like a ghost in the corner of photographs. He will put up with your tomfoolery and juvenile antics because he knows that, if he waits long enough, in a moment of weakness you will cave in. Then he will make you his sneaky needy fuck buddy, or his sneaky needy girlfriend, or his sneaky needy wife.

As far as sneaky lover gambits go, you may think, the one's not so bad. He's better than the handsome jackass you used to date. But this is the sneaky logic of the Sneaky Nice Guy Lover, who may be fooling himself as much as he is fooling you. For a relationship that is sneaked is not a relationship freely chosen, and breaking free from your sneaky nice guy/sneaky needy girl dichotomy is next to impossible. So look out, Jessica, and quit deluding yourself. That "dear friend" is going to be your sneaky new boyfriend—if he isn't already.

See also: Sneaky co-worker you shouldn't let do so many favors, sneaky writer-romantic who wants to trade poems, sneaky sober people who hangs out with drunks.

* Sneaky Nice Guy Lovers (SNGL) are not to be confused with regular, non-sneaky Nice Guy Lovers (NGL), who should always win the dating game. Quit dating jackasses and quit dating sneaks, ladies.

** If you are an SNGL, consider dropping the 'S' and pursuing a lady who likes you when she isn't needy, who won't just lead you on. Together, we will defeat the sneak.