HBO's Horatio Alger story for hipsters taught us less about how to make it and more about how to make out. Or how not to if you get, you know, bisexual urges while dropping X with your girlfriend.
Rachel and her boyfriend Darren—the kind of rich, attractive asshole I hope to marry some day—are having a little bit of trouble because she keeps bringing around her ex-boyfriend Ben—the kind of poor, attractive hipster I hope will break my heart before I marry a rich, attractive asshole. How do they get over it? She proposes sex at the Cloisters. He's not into the idea, but he wants to try doing some ecstasy. Everything is going great until they get to the club and Darren tells Rachel that he loves her and then starts making out with another girl and then another guy. Rachel is clearly alarmed.
But don't freak out, girl. Anyone who has ever been to a rave will tell you that a tab of E (X? What are the kids calling it these days?) will do very strange and wonderful things to you. It will make you want to french kiss a pig wrapped in a Snuggie, if one happened to appear on the dance floor bopping its pink curly tail to the beat of the techno music. When on the drug, every surface feels like a new discovery and every human, no matter what their age, gender, or sexual orientation, seems like a viable sexual conquest. That's why the love puddles of the rave circuit were so much goddamned fun: people bumping and rubbing their glow sticks together while everyone shared in a drugged-out congress of universal happiness only to wake up the next morning feeling like the bottom of an ashtray and looking like an extinguished cigarette butt. Ah, the '90s!
Yes, MDMA will do some very strange things to you. It will make you gay. Well, not really gay, just kind of experimental enough not to care about who you're making out with. This is usually a good thing, but not if you are dropping the pill to try to mend your broken relationship and you are doing it right in front of your girlfriend. She will not understand. She will think that secretly, deep down inside, you are a giant homo and that what you really want to do is make out with dudes all the time even when sober. Where else was E a huge hit? Circuit parties! In your lady's eyes, you are one tribal tattoo and a Chelsea apartment away from being the biggest, gayest thing to hit the circuit since the extended remix of Junior Vasquez' "If Madonna Calls."
That's what we learned this week. It's OK to do drugs on a weeknight in New York, and there is even a place to do them. But, if you make out with a guy in front of your girlfriend you better dance your way home and pack your bags, because, as far as she's concerned, you are kicked out of Heteroland, never to return.