US Army Switches to Wuss Workout

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!

  • OMFG the Army is changing its workouts. OUT: Long distance runs and bayonet drills. IN: Core exercises and agility drills, aimed "to toughen recruits from a more obese and sedentary generation." Good luck, America.
  • The Army has obviously been reading the WSJ, which proves that core exercises really do work by having one of their reporters pay $2,490 on 32 sessions of "core training" with a personal trainer, which he presumably was able to expense, by writing about it. Dude you better expense that shit.
  • Good news for those whose untrustworthiness and parsimoniousness is betrayed by their thin lips: plastic surgeons can now give you nice thick lips by injecting them with a piece of your own neck muscle. A bit of lost neck muscle is a small price to pay to send an easily-read signal of your affinity for oral sex.
  • Can new therapies and shit alter your memories? Maybe, but they can't alter your abs, so who cares?
  • Why did Joshua Clottey get totally dominated by Manny Pacquiao last weekend, besides the fact that Manny Pacquiao is a superior boxer? Because Joshua Clottey ate some bad stew and then had diarrhea before the fight, according to Joshua Clottey. Christ, that's the first thing they tell you not to do, in boxing school.
  • The takeaway: If pussy America is to have any hope of winning our many wars of imperial conquest, it will take more than fancy core trainers, sexxxy DSLs, and poop stew. It will take—and don't tell the enemy—
    US Army Switches to Wuss Workout

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