Kell on Earth: A Day in the Life of the Revolution

We were too busy winning a strawberry-shaped welcome mat at drag queen bingo last night to watch Kell on Earth. Thankfully fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was up to some shenanigans of her own.

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine
By Betsey Morgenstern

I am so bored at my internship today. There is no one left to bully now that Big Stephanie quit and there is no one left to openly mock now that Little Andrew left. What is a PR office with only one Stephanie and one Andrew? It's like a third grade classroom with only one Madison. It's just a sad sad shell of a place where we interns get even more work. My boyfriend Tim, the Irish intern, has been so busy that he hasn't even been home to change his tennis-ball-yellow sweater with the grommeted holes in it. Poor, poor Tim. We're all working hard, but it's all tedious reports and emails and faxes and the same old problems day in and day out. There isn't much to report.

Instead of a report, I stole you Big Andrew's schedule for a day. I think you'll find it amusing. Some websites are obsessed with seating charts, but I'm sure all of my readers will be very happy with a little iCal entry for the day. It's all I could muster.

8am: Get lattes for the office

8:30am: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

9am: Realize we are out of paper

9:15am: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

9:45am: Dream About Having Sex with Rick Owens

10:30am: Make Stephanie Skinner laugh

10:45am: Jot down Kelly's latest catch phrase: "Let's not be so scared of the abundance we created."

11am: Answer the phone

11:03am: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

11:30am: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

12pm: Plan Addams Family dinner party

12:10pm: Call mother and have her call catering for my dinner party

12:30pm: Plan photo shoot. Don't forget call sheet, location address, photographer's name, food (not for models)

12:35pm: Other assorted work-related responsibilities.

12:40pm: Go and get lunch for everyone. Kelly wants vegan, Robyn wants a salad, Emily wants the blood of three virgins.

1:15pm: Tell that weird Betsey girl to go away and stop staring at my computer and asking "What's that? What's that? What's that?"

1:20pm: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

1:30pm: Second Rick Owens reference of the day.

2pm: Nap in the show room.

2:30: Go with Kelly to talk about $3,000 hats and be the only person the room crazy enough to wear one and rich enough to buy one.

3:30: Order 20 boxes of printer paper, be sure to leave the office so everyone else has to unload it

4pm: Listen to Kelly's daughter say cute things about her war against Wal-Mart

4:10: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

4:15: Go with Kelly to pick up a hot skater boy for Robyn

4:40: Give Robyn makeup tips so she doesn't look like a French madam when she finally puts some on

5pm: Buy Roses

5:01pm: Cut the heads off the roses.

5:15pm: Plan My Outfit for Tomorrow

6pm: Leave, even if all work isn't finished.