Well, it came back. We thought we'd burned this show and buried its remains in enough sacred burial grounds that it wouldn't be able to regenerate, but it has, and it's worse than ever.
Who was doing what in society last night? Let's find out!
Paul Johnson Calderon
Our little gay wiggleworm didn't have much to do in this episode. Mostly he addressed Drinkthrowgate from last week. You'll remember that he tossed a drink in a socialite's eyes last night, blinding her forever, and now he's on his Barack-style apology tour. Don't you listen to Mitt Romney, PJC? Americans do not apologize for throwing drinks in Muslims' or socialites' faces. But, oh well, he did. He first had a big important sitdown summit with his archnemesis, the feral woodchuck known in Upper East Side circles as "Jules Kirby." He wasn't so much trying to apologize to her as just smooth things over (the drink had been intended for her), but Juju wasn't having any of that. So they fought a little more and she stormed out and he said something about her ass-face and ass-hair or something and gin dribbled out of all of our mouths because, like Liz Lemon, that is how we cry now. Later he talked to Alexandra, the socialite who got the drink right in the seein' sticks, and she put out her hands and said "Voices! I hear voices. Who's there? Who goes there?" She flailed her walking stick in the air and PJC slowly backed out of the room and blind old Tiresias there frowned and said "A gentleman would have offered to pay for the dry cleaning." I was unaware until last night that one can have their eyeballs dry cleaned. High Society is nothing if not educational.
Murgatroyd Mercer, Tinsley's Mom
In this episode Murgatroyd decided to put on her historian's hat and do a little research. You see, Tinsley has been dating a German prince who wears a Kaiser-esque spiked war helmet, and Murgatroyd does not approve. So she bravely put on her tweed outfit and got her smoking pipe and flounced off to the liberry, a big old building where they keep reading books and sad plump ladies with frizzy hair who drink tea and speak often of cats. Ma Tinz wanted to find out about Cashmere's family and ohhhhh boy did she find something out. First of all, he's not American. The lady does not like that. Tinzley's old husband, a golden retriever named Topper, was an American prince. And this guy is just German, and we all know that the Germans are a cruel, cruel race. We don't know exactly what she found out, but we can assume it's Nazis. Murgatroyd found out Nazis. There was another thing earlier in the episode where everyone threw a No More Sads party for Tinsley and they all showed her pics and profiles of potential men dates and Murgatroyd held up a picture of Topper as means to a sad little joke and everyone was upset and Murgatroyd just said "Oh phooey," and stabbed her fork angrily at her butter cake and nothing is fun anymore like it used to be down south in the Dixie '60s.
The proud-chinned daughter of a vengeful witch and the disease rabies, Jules did many terrible things this episode. First she had her meeting with PJC and she broke her wine glass and stabbed the stem into his neck, great gushes of blood squirting out, and she just laughed and laughed and laughed. Then it was time for her daily regimen of yelling at maids. She and Tinsley's sister, Dagnabbit, bought some very fancy monogrammed sheets because that's what all the girls in town are doing these days. Used to be girls collected stickers or various Hello Kitty trinkets, but now they're into monogrammed sheets, so. Jules was very proud of her sheets, which had her initials in big black gothic letters: "6.6.6." They were very pretty, but of course the stupid ethnic maid at the stupid hotel where she's stupidly living just couldn't clean anything right and then put her monogrammed pillowcase upside down. Her name isn't 9.9.9.! Come on now. Jules graciously informed her that in her country people don't read upside down and the maid just nodded and poured a little more ether into Jules' Evian.
After that exhausting bout of teaching weirdo foreigners how to read American monogram sheets, Jules decided she needed some time to unfuckingwind. So she and her two gal pals, Regan and Goneril, went down to Poorpeopletowne, USA. This is a part of Manhattan that some people call the Lower East Side. Down there, Jules explained to us, people are poor and blue collar. But it's fun to go down there once in a while, because you can mess with them and do stupid things and play their sad poor people games like beer pong and then you get to leave and go back to wonderful uptown. Goneril made out with a poor blue collar type, like all the white people who currently hang out on the LES are, and Jules laughed and laughed and laughed. Outside Regan wanted to bum a cigarette but Jules sagely advised her that one shouldn't ask people down there for cigarettes, because people in that neighborhood don't like have jobs and stuff. Ohhhh Jules! Blessed, wonderful Jules. What good company you're going to be for Leona Helmsley when you die.
Malik the Sheik
On clear spring nights, you can still hear his name on the wind.
Poor Tinsley. She has so many sadnesses. First there is her big new room apartment that is so empty and echoing. So she got her furnitures and her boxes filled with tissue and she began unpacking in her big, tall teeter-shoes and that made her feel better for a spell. But then came the Party Night and Momma held up that picture of Topper — with his big floppy ears and his pink tongue and shiny coat — and she was saddened all over again, because Topper is gone. Ran off after a car one day, went yipping away down the road and that was the last anyone had seen of him. But at least Blind Alexandra held up a picture of a nice platypus man that she thought she might have fun dating, so one something good came out of the bad party. The platypus man was nice and handsome and they went to dinnermeal in a basement that she liked. Drip drip drip went the pipes and gurrr gurr gurr went the boiler and fritz fritz fritz went her heart as she looked across the table at his kind platypus face and he smiled back and gave her more silly drinks that made her feel silly.
After silly dinner they had more silly drinks and then wanted to go ice skating! Oh how fun! But it was raining! So they could not go skating. Tinsley stood there saying over and over and over again "It's raiiiining! It's raiiinning!!" and platypus date smiled and patted her head and before she knew it they were saying hello with their mouths and it was a very nice first date.
But the next morning silly had turned to sour and everything felt different and all Tinsmaley wanted to do was go look at pretty dresses in Paris and see her real boyfriend, Prince Cashmere. So that's what she did! In Paris she met a singing star named Katemee Perry who was nice and she talked to that scary German Frankenstein robot with the clanking metal arms that calls itself Karl and then she finally met up with Cashmere. Everything was looking grand! Until everything looked terrible. Cashmere didn't want to be filmed by the camera fairies in certain ways and he wanted to practice everything before they did it for real and Tinsley did not like this. It made her feel very sad and confused and a little bit dumb for thinking she could do a nice thing on the show for the nice people, like Momma and Dagnabbit and Alexandra (who cannot see it anymore, but she can hear it!), who watch it. But Cashmere was angry so he ruined the whole day and stomped off into the hotel and she was just standing there on the street by herself, lonely in Paris and sad all over again, a different new kind of sad, a French kind of sad. And she stood on the street corner until the sunlight was gone and the street lamps came bizzimp bizzimp bizzimping on and faraway she could see the Ethel Tower and its spinning white searchlight and she felt like that all of a sudden, like a great big white light that is turning and turning and turning, trying to find a way out of all of this dark.