Word came this morning that two networks, A&E and Discovery, are fighting over quitting governor Palin's proposed reality series about her native homeland, the Alaska. Which she would host. If this thing actually goes to air, what'll it be like?
Well, naturally, we have some ideas.
Episode 1: "Just 30 Minutes Away from Alaska"
This is what hokey-jokey Alaskans say about Anchorage, because it is so urban that it's really not part of the real Alaska. So this episode wil feature Future President Palin walking around and pointing out all the trendy elitist shopping districts. She'll go into a restaurant to try the food, Rachael Ray-style, and will want to look sorta classy for the cameras, so she'll order a glass of white wine ("A wine, please") but then the waiter will ask "Would you like to see the wine list?" and Sarah will guffaw and make a "Is this guy crazy or what?" look to the camera and she'll say "Forget it, I'll just have an Alaskan Amber." Later, she'll see a homeless Inuit woman servicing two drifters in an alleyway and she'll look into the camera and say "Looks like we got ourselves a community organizer over here, huh?" That's Sarah!
Episode 2: "The Coldest Winter I Ever Spent..."
This will be the inevitable Wasilla episode, in which Sarah returns to her tribal lands and gets a hero's welcome. Mostly she'll parade down the main street with a rifle, shooting at various moose and wolves and Asian people that have been set up beforehand by loyal townsfolk. She'll then take us on yet another tour of her house, with Todd standing awkwardly in the corner and, if you look close enough, Levi peering in a window, naked. After she cooks "us" up a big mess of moose chili, she'll take us to one of the hottest stores in town, the rape kit store, where abused women can go and tremblingly fork over money for their very own kits. There will then be the Parade of Palins, with the whole clan processing around town waving. The whole thing ends at a big book burning outside city hall and everyone laughs and cheers until it gets dark and everyone goes to bed, at 2pm.
Episode 3: "Drill, Baby, Drill"
To promote Alaska's leadership in the field of energy, Sarah will take us up to Prudhoe Bay and ANWR and all that fun stuff and we'll get to watch as she herself mans a drill that plunges deep into the virgin ground and she laughs and laughs and hoots and hollers as hot oil splashes all over her face and the wolves howl and the world burns.