After Michael Jackson died, the AP reports his Doctor Feelgood—Conrad Murray—whisked back to his mansion to retrieve a cream "so the world wouldn't find out about it." What was this mysterious salve? Would you believe we have theories?
Tonight the AP drops a bombshell: An eye-witness says Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's doctor feelgood, stopped performing CPR on MJ to hide vials of drugs. This is highly incriminating evidence against Murray, who is charged with killing Jackson via dangerous injections of the anesthetic Propofol. However, what caught our eye—being huge fans of all things tube-contained—was this passage in the report:
The documents also detail an odd encounter with Murray after Jackson was declared dead at a nearby hospital. Murray insisted he needed to return to the mansion to get cream that Jackson had "so the world wouldn't find out about it," according to the statements, which provide no elaboration.
Yes, apparently, after Jackson died, all Murray could think about was getting back to Jackson's mansion to fetch the cream. He asked Jackson's assistant to take him back. When he refused, Murray caught a cab. He must have succeeded in his mission, as no cream-related bombshells emerged in the aftermath.
So! What the hell was this cream that the world was apparently not ready to accept? Here are five theories:
Dr. Fred Summit Skin Whitner Tone and Bleach Cream
This one is too obvious. This is why it is the first one. Perhaps you were aware that Michael Jackson used to be black but at the time he died he was white. Maybe it was some sort of skin disease. But maybe he had a giant pallet of Dr. Fred Summit Skin Whitiner in his garage which he used to fill a claw-foot bathtub and bathe in every night before bed.
Why it had to be kept from the world: Would have violated his exclusive lifetime contract with Barielle Porcelain Skin Whitening Cream.
Medicinal Tiger Bone Cream
Crushed up tiger bones are prized in Chinese Medicine for supposedly curing arthritis and rheumatism. The aging Jackson, on the cusp of his big comeback tour, may have soothed his aching body with this forbidden brew.
Why it had to be kept from the world: Everyone would have learned what actually happened to Jackson's tigers, Thriller and Sabu, after he closed down Neverland Ranch.
Jackson's copy of The Very Best of Cream
Cream was a famous British supergroup of the 1960s featuring Jack Bruce, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker. They did that song "White Room."
Why it had to be kept from the world: Then the world would have learned that Jackson's Thriller was just The Very Best of Cream played backwards. Seriously, have you tried it?
The Cream of Everlasting Life
Michael Jackson was, for a time, extremely wealthy. He also had sort of a Peter Pan complex. He wanted to remain forever young. Is it that hard to believe that it was not ostentatious spending and poor planning which bankrupted him, but a quest for eternal life in cream form? And if you are willing to believe that, would you believe that Jackson had in fact succeeded in developing a Cream of Everlasting Life? And if you are willing to believe this, then maybe—just maybe—Jackson's "death" was actually cover for his final act: He smeared his body with magic cream and became an Immortal. So unchained from time and history, he underwent one last plastic surgery in his underground plastic surgery vault and adopted the guise of a young Brooklyn bicycle mechanic. He lives among us yet, quietly nurturing his new musical act—the indie keyboard septet MOUTH WALRUS. And he will rise again to dominate this century's charts just as he did the century past.
Why it had to be kept from the world: Clearly, the world did not deserve Michael's genius. So it is with his miracle Life Cream.
Some Kind of Butt Cream
Why it had to be kept from the world: Are you serious? Butt cream! Ew!