Last night's episode was the most underpantsless, hair-chestiest episode of the spring. And yet, oddly, it was also the chastest.
If there's one lesson we learned from last night's Gossip Girl it's that one should never be alone in a hotel room with the kid from Air Bud. Because that 5'6" Canadian will try to sex you up and it will be very uncomfortable. Not just because his hair is the same color as his face. Because he is a jerk and you are not ready for sex, not now, not just yet. Poor Jenny had a long journey to travel to learn this lesson.
Yes she was still running around with the Frammer, a nefarious Diplobrat and drug runner who has no greater pleasure in life than slithering his way into the pants of sixteen-year-old blonde tadpoles. He's pressuring Jenny to do it, and in a story that inspired William Shakespeare's new play Romeo & Juliet, Jennifrica's parents just don't understand. Rufus especially does not want his precious zygote running around with this stubby son of a tranny. "No!!!" he bellows from his throne in the kingdom of Breukelen. "No!!!" he bellows again. But this only makes Jenny want to see Prince Ontario more, so she steals away from school and into his leathery, muscle-sack arms. Everyone's worried.
Not knowing what else to do, adult Rufus called a bunch of teenagers and sought their help. "Naaaate," he whined. "Doooo something." Nate was groggy and hair-chesty in bed with living fart Serena. He lowered his voice on the phone so as not to wake her. "Listen, baby," he said to the now whimpering Rufus. "It's gonna be OK. OK? OK? Who's my big rock star? Who's my big shining rock star, huh?" Rufus sniffled on the other end of the line and finally Nate could hear a small smile in his voice. "I am..." Nate nodded. "That's right, you are. It's all going to be OK." He made a kissy noise and hung up the phone. By this point Serena had awoken and was filling the room with her day-farts and Nate told her the sad story of Jenny and Serena said "We must do something!" and she hatched a plan.
See she figured that Rufus wasn't properly employing Reverse Psychology, to which teens are very susceptible. So Serena decided to spring a trap. She'd encourage Jenny and then seduce the Frammer and then she'd tell Jenny that he was wicked and all would be good. But her genius plan totally backfired because Canada didn't want nothin' to do with Serena. Ha! Then Nate totally sold her out by telling Jenny what was afoot and it just empowered Jenny more. Your attempts to kill her only make her stronger! Now she was even more determined to play Air Bud 7: The Javelin Toss with our dark Canadian lord. Teens! What can you do with them?
Meanwhile Dan and his cavewoman bride Vanessa were fighting. They were waking in bed at the same time as Nate/Serena, Dan's chest hair wiry and bushy there in the dorm room bed, Vanessa curling up beside him and saying sweet cavewoman words like "Ooga" and "Gok" and "Booga." Rufus called Dan in tears and Dan said "Daddy, did you talk to Nate?" And Rufus sniffled "Yes..." and Dan sighed. He'd have to talk old papa off the ledge yet again. "Put on a pot of coffee, hon" he said to Vanessa, who promptly picked up a club and bashed him on the head. Oh well.
Mostly though Dan and Vanessa spent the episode fighting. See he was being noivous about openly expressing his love for Vanessa lest the relationship suddenly sour under the weight of all that seriousness. She was being nondescript and completely devoid of any discernible character as usual, so you understand why they were at an impasse. Nimble comedian Penn Badgley did a brilliant job of conveying Dan's relationship anxiety, giving a hilarious tour de force monologue about where it is OK for he and V to be "friends with benefits" and when they are just friends! Oh man, I was laughing so hard. I turned to my friend Lois, my awesome bff who's been working for her dad while the burns heal, and I was like "That is funny." Lois looked at me and stuffed a handful of popcorn in her mouth. "It really ith!" she said. And then we laughed and saw a commercial for 90210 and squealed. That show is soooo good too. So trashy, but so much fun! This weekend Lois and I are going to see Gaga because, um, helloooo!!! I hope we can sneak our Pinkberry in, because God knows we need our Pinkberry lol!!!
So that was happening and nobody cared and eventually at the episode's party Vanessa showed up in a slinky calfskin dress and fur and Dan was all "Ooga gok booga!" and then she whispered to him that she wasn't wearing any underpants, because that is still a hilarious and sexy joke that TV shows and movies are doing. Of course finally Dan said that he doesn't care who knows it, he loves that fascinating cavewoman with all the personality traits. (Though in one little scene Szohr walked into the Brooklyn Palace and said "helleewww" in this weird, funny way and it was sad because you realized that maybe she is a real person in real life, and is only acting like the wooden lady stuck to the front of an old boat, because that is how she is written, and she is not a good actress.)
I mentioned there was a party, yes? Well Jenny was there, obviously, because Nate had told Rufus about the wicked Canadian's plans and Rufus and shrieked and soiled his petticoats and then thrown Jenny up in the keep, only to let her out at a big fancy party where he couldn't keep an eye on her. Responsible! Of course Air Bud came and whisked Jenny away, but not before he could punch Nate in the face and send him clattering into a poor caterboy. It was wonderful to see Chace Crawford floppily fall to the floor. And then there he was, lying atop the caterboy and Nate was all "sorry, sorry" and then the two locked eyes and there was an intense warmth between them and Nate whispered his name and stuck out his hand and the caterboy did the same and said "Brandon" and they lay there for a while, splayed on the floor, covered in canapes, shaking each other's hands. Serena didn't mind. She loved him so.
Then there was a mad dash set to the Benny Hill music where everyone tore through the night looking for Jenny, but the Canuck had done a devious little hotel switch, so he had the little tadpole all to himself. She finally confessed to him that she was a virgin and he was like "Hey that's towtally cool, eh. Don't feel louwsy abowt that at all. No reason to be sorey." But it was a big deal! It was to Jenny! But there Canada was, working its St. Lawrence Seaway toward the shores of her Lake Erie and suddenly the tadpole became a toad — a pebble toad! — and she bounced away from him, protected forever, off toward Brooklyn. So Canada is no more, I suspect. That's that. Back at home Jenny was all sad and grumpy and went into her room to listen to "Time of My Life," because she had recently gotten into Dirty Dancing after Serena had recommended it. Jenny had never seen or heard of it. This was supposed to be funny! Because, you know, Dirty Dancing, what the Twitter text is that? "You should totally download it," Serena said, because that's charming, how we talk now. In computers. You know, sometimes I think Lois should get a job as a Gossip Girl writer. Sometimes I think she'd fit in perfectly.
Anyway, Jenny didn't do it with the Frammer and she's all sad now but Rufus is just clutching his white handkerchief in relief, so glad to have her home. Nate gave him a warm goodbye kiss and left with Serena. Dan's chest hair exploded his shirt and Vanessa groaned into the prehistoric night sky and that was that.
Also, Rufus and Lily made up after their no-one-cares fight, although Lily still has a secret something about getting tests. Is Lily the sick one, not her mother? I think she might be. Another old lady keeping secrets is Chuck's "Mom." It seems she's not his "Mom" because she orchestrated some nefarious thing with Jack Bass the Jackass where Chuck would be accused of vague sexual harassment and then of course he'd sign his hotel business over to Ma Bass who would then let Jack Bass the Jackass take care of it. It was not as much fun to have Jack Bass back as the writers seemed to think it was, though at least he said the line about how many sex puns you can come up with using the phrase Chuck Bass, which I guess was sort of cute and meta in a way the show hasn't really earned for about a year and a half. Whee! So Chuck's mom is wicked, which isn't surprising. I'm kind of glad. Though I hate mopey Chuck, seeing him smile is really uncomfortable too. Maybe I just don't like Chuck. Sorry Lois! I kno he's ur hubby!! haha lol.
Towards the end of the episode we saw a scene with Brandon the caterboy headed home after the long party. He turned a key in a lock and opened a door and there sitting in a comfortable apartment was our long lost Erik. He looked up from his dog-eared copy of Country Home magazine and said "How was it, baby?" And Brandon smiled weakly. How could he tell him? Tell him about that sprawl on the floor with the boy named Nate? He couldn't. So he didn't. Instead he just smiled a little bigger and said "Good, it was good." Erik said "C'mere" and patted the bed and so Brandon walked over and sat down next to him and they were there in silence for a while, the sound of flipping pages, a low whining hum of city from beyond the closed window. After a while Erik said "Oohh, this is nice. We could live there." And Erik looked up at him, pointed to the picture of a home somewhere, out in the country. "Don't you think we could do that? Live like that?" Any other day Brandon would have said yes, of course. But that night he just wasn't sure they ever could again.
OK. That's that. Brian, let's hear how our beloved characters stand, power-wise, after this most devious of episodes.
Thanks, Richard. Everyone went up and down last night, but in the case of Serena, she's always used to going down. Here are the stats:
Power Play: Oh, Dorota. No one thought to sign Chuck's hotel over to you? So sad: -2
Season to Date: 49
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Killer blouse with a wonderfully fit blue skirt: +1
Personality Flaw: Knows how to put it all in perspective for Chuck: +1
Power Play: Chuck doesn't want her taking over the hotel: -2
Quip: "Suburban moralists in mom jeans. I'd pity them if I didn't think they'd spill orange soda on my Christian Louboutins": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Evil Uncle Jack is back to fuck with her: -2, Even with all his woes, her man still want to bone her at the end of the night: +1
Season to Date: 34
Power Position: Up
Family Secrets: Evil Uncle Jack is back (and looks stupid with facial hair): -2, The DNA confirms his mommy is really his mommy: +1, Evil Uncle Jack, mommy, and creepy lawyer are all out to get him: -3
Fashion Points: Looks weird when he smiles: -1, Purple!: -1, It's a gift from mommy, so it's not that bad: +1
Money: Has to give up control of his hotel because of sexual harassment scandal: -2
Personality Flaw: Only knows two grown-ups he can trust: skanky step mom Lily and Evil Uncle Jack: -1
Power Play: Getting sued for sexual harassment: -1, Of course everyone thinks that Chuck Bass would be Ron Burkle in a better suit: -1, Evil Uncle Jack is playing with his head about his mommy: -1, Lily loves him enough to not believe the scandal: +1
Sexual Intrigue: At least Blair will still do it with him: +2
Social Schemes: Is smart enough to get a DNA test from mommy: +2
Season to Date: 25
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Very sexy chest hair: +2, Did he steal a grampa sweater from Rufus?: -1, Brushes back the manbangs: -1, He is way too rich to be wearing some Banana Republic bullshit to a fancy art opening: -1
Personality Flaw: Thinks Jenny is a "special girl." Does not utter "Olympics" next to "special": -1
Power Play: Does the right thing and tells Jenny's parents where she is: +2, Gets punched out by a drug-dealing shrimp from Air Bud: -1
Sexual Intrigue: All he and Serena do is fuck: -1, Actually, what is wrong with that: +3, Was heartbroken after he lost his virginity to Serena and she left the next day: -1, Calls Serena a slut and the stripper heel fits: +2
Season to Date: 1
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Stole his dowdy daddy sweater from the corpse of Mr. Rogers: -2
Personality Flaw: Feeding people!: -1
Power Play: Even though he grounds his daughter, she still skips school: -2, He can't find his daughter, but a bunch of bratty teenagers can: -1, Rushes to Lily's defense against Evil Uncle Jack: +1, Grounds Jenny even further: +1, Thinks punishment is taking her to a fancy art opening: -2, Loses her for a second time: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Lily he is better than her exes: +1, Didn't have sex with the hot neighbor lady: -1, Actually, that's kind of sweet that he loves his wife: +2, He and his meal ticket kiss and make up: +2
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Up
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny:
Fashion Points: Wears her best all-black outfit from Hot Topic to a fancy art opening. Is her father the Spanish President or something?: -1
Personality Flaw: Sick of her father's shitty waffles: +3, Doesn't dare skip Latin: +1,
Power Play: Grounded: -1, Thinks cutting school is a good idea: -1, Everyone is texting about her whereabouts: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Does she not realize she is going to be statutory raped?: -2, Doesn't give up virginity to the short, nasty man from Air Bud: +3, Lies about not being a virgin anymore to Serena because she wants everyone to think she's a slut: -1
Social Schemes: Outsmarted by stupid Nate: -2, Tells Nate her boyfriend is a drug dealer. How dumb is she?: -1
WTF: Doesn't even know what Dirty Dancing is!: -2, Somehow thinks that cutting class won't affect her grades. Seriously, was she dropped on her head as a baby?: -2, Dated a drug dealer for weeks and never took any pills. Where's the adventure, Jenny: -1
Season to Date: -12
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Her slutty "I'm going to make Dan want me" outfit looks like a reject from the Strawberry window display: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Actually listens to Dan's bullshit about "zones" where they can be friends and where they can be lovers: -3, Going public with her relationship with Dan, which can only help her reputation: +1
Season to Date: -15
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Great print dress as the fancy art opening: +2
Power Play: Shows concern over Jenny: +1, Knows well the ways of the blond high school skank and uses her powers for good: +2, Calls the police to help find Jenny for the second time and they actually help her. That is how rich Lily is: +2, Lets Serena be mean to her and doesn't slap her in the face: -1, Still listens to her mommy: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Her man didn't cheat on her: +1, She and Rufus are reunited and it feels so good: +2
WTF: Is closer to Chuck and Jenny than her own actual children: -3
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Why does his smattering of chest hair look like a half-rusty Brillo?: -2, Is in love with Vanessa's ugly "I know you want to fuck me" outfit: -1
Power Play: Can't get it on in his Brooklyn pussy den with dad and the little sis around: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Smart enough to keep his relationship with Vanessa a secret. She's like the fat girl next door who you sleep with only when you're drunk: +2, Is going to go public with his relationship: -3
WTF: Ew, he's giving it to Vanessa: -2
Season to Date: -30
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Her maroon dress to lure the drug dealer into trying to mack on her is the least slutty thing she has ever worn: -1, Her idea of something appropriate to wear to a fancy art opening is a dress that is completely nude on top and cut up to her hoo-ha: -2
Power Play: Gets pissed at Nate for doing the right thing and ratting out Jenny: -1, The queen slut comes to make Jenny feel better about losing her virginity: +2, Let's Jenny be mean to her when she is trying to help: -1
Sexual Intrigue: The amount of time she can go while awake without fucking something is shortened from 5 minutes to about 26 seconds: -2, Serena, why can't you just accept that you are a giant slut and everyone knows it and just move on with your life instead of getting bent out of shape every time someone intimates (correctly) that you have been around the block several thousand times. Jesus!: -3
Social Schemes: Thinks she is smart enough to pull of a Chuck and Blair scheme: -2, Jenny's little drug dealer doesn't fall for her fake seduction: -2
WTF: Tells Jenny to "download" Dirty Dancing like she has no idea what "downloading" is. She might as well have said, "Oh, you kids and your iPods": -2, There is no way she is smart enough to understand half of the items on Daily Intel: -2
Season to Date: -48
Power Position: Down