On last night's episode of America's favorite gay infomercial, Ru and the gang were talkin' about books. Raggedy paper things that contain words that aren't "ooh girl" or "mama, yes." Unless they're written by a drag queen!

The whole episode was mostly just an excuse for Ru to plug her new book, RuPaul's RuPaul to RuPaul: RuPaul!. Which, fine, Shakespeare got to get paid. At least no one was pulling any punches about who was shilling what and how. They trotted out some queen from Absolut and he talked about their new Boo Berri vodka and that was obvious. And Ru kept plugging her book. And the main challenge was actually how to learn how to hawk bad books and sticky sweet disgusting flavored vodka. So at least they were honest.

Before that the girls had to do something called shading or reading or something. I didn't understand it. It was very specific and intricate drag queen terminology. They have their own language, basically, and I only understand brief "heyyyyyy"ing snippets of it. Whatever you call it, it was basically the girls being bitchy to each other. They had to stand up and insult each other. Nice!

Advertisement

For bitchy drag queens, most of them were surprisingly bad at it. Jujubee, who has become my absolute favorite, was definitely the best (you can watch her shading or reading of heyyying above). Pandora got a few decent ones in. Mostly everything else was awkward, either not funny or way too mean. Lots of fat talk and whatnot. Tatianna, who hatched out of a cantaloupe one day last summer, just stood up there and giggled and said "I caaaaan't." Girl, you are on the most important reality competition since The Littlest Groom 2: The Littlest Revenge. You need to at least try. Oh well.

Naturally Jujubee won and her little advantage was that she got extra time with photographers. For their book cover shoot! Yes, the girls were to make up fake memoir titles and cover ideas, because those are the two most important things about writing a book. Most of the girls decided that they wanted to have sassy titles and write about sassy things — sassily overcoming decidedly unsassy odds, sassing people in the face with their sass mouths. Jujubee came up with Memoirs of a Gay, Sha! My Journey, and I'm Still Here! or some such nonsense title. Pandora had Out of the Box, because that's, y'know, her name. Though it didn't really make that much sense. Because her book was supposed to be about discovering drag? So wouldn't she be going into the Boxx? I don't know. Who knows.

The best book by a million miles was Jessica Wild's. J.Wild is that crazy chicken lady who Ru found on vacation and brought on the show as a lark. Jessica's wild Jessica face went wild and she said "I am to be writing a book about a boy who has dreams and then he sees the dreams and they are dreams he is having and seeing." Ru nodded her head and, after a long long Chekhovian silence, said "Well... can you think of a spunky title?" Oh and Jessica could. Her book was called Dreams of Jessica Wild: A Golden Child with Dreams. Well it was something like that. Basically it was the craziest thing ever, which is wonderful.

Raven did a good cover that looked like an actual book cover. It was her having a glamorous yard sale. It seemed like a Tori Spelling kind of book cover. And those books sell like gangbusters! Pandora's concept was simple but good, getting helped out of a literal box by two muscle models. Jujubee just did a little Asian shtick, which was fine. Tatianna had locked herself in a broom closet, which was too bad.

After the photoshoot the girls had to do a big satellite media interview with a Celebrity Journalist, so this was a big deal. Especially because they had to plug the name of their book and the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Vodka. Pretty much everyone tanked. Tyra was like "Oh yeah, and I really like this delicious... berry drink." Jessica Wild did some weird chicken yodel and said "Vo-ka!" Tatianna fell off her stool and lay meowing on the floor, slowly being electrocuted by her earpiece.

When that was done it was time for the runway show.

"Ohhh, Jujubee has issued a writ of mandamnus!"

"Is that Alice B. Toklas' ghost, or is Raven just looking like a hot lesbian in Paris?"

"Four score and seven fierce ago, Tyra girl!"

"Somebody call an ambulance, Tatianna's caught in the wig chipper again."

After much deliberation and murmuring, it was decided that Raven had won. Which is fair. She had the best book cover and she did look wonderful on the runway in a big honey-blonde afro. Good for her. Then the bottom two were announced: Jessica Wild, because she had somehow managed to peck celebrity journalist Marc Malkin's eyes out, even though the interview was via satellite. And Tatianna, because they realized she'd misspelled the word "I" on her application.

There was a great sounding of sirens and the lip-syncing for one's life began. It was a Sister Sledge song about dancing in discos and seeing boys. Jessica Wild flailed and bagok'd while Tatianna slithered and slinked and managed somehow to not fall off the damn stage.

RuPaul lowered her head and with a deep, serious voice said: "Tatianna! Shante, you stay." So Jessica Wild was put back in the crate and loaded onto a rusty old Venezuelan steamer and disappeared over the thin slip of the horizon while Jujubee stood ashore, waving a kerchief and singing a song from the Orient.

Only five alive!