You Think Life's a Big Underwater Party, But That's Where You're Wrong

The Way We Live Now: Under the sea. We paddle and swim, and what do we see? Money, and money, all growing on trees. Under the water, a dream spending spree!

Econosurveyors have firmly established that American do not have any money. Nevertheless, Americans are all out there buying comically huge saltwater aquariums with all types of exotic peacock fish and tropic snails that they stole off the actual ocean reef to the point that the actual ocean reef collapses and dies and everyone who wants to know what it looked like has to pay five bucks to go Frank's shed out back and gaze at the huge aquarium he built that everyone said was a damn fool thing but oh, look at it now, one of America's leading oceanic tourist attractions.

Maybe it's not such a bad investment.

More than you can say for Powerball tickets, which are far and away America's #1 investment of choice. Two sisters in their 80s have been in court for five years in a dispute over who's entitled to a $500k winning Powerball ticket. Even if you win, the lottery is poison. Particularly if you're in your 80s, because it's so easy to rob you.

So if we're not supposed to gamble and work on our massive aquariums, what are we to do on the Sabbath day? Libraries are closed. Bank robberies are no longer the popular diversion they once were. Experts say that the answer is simple: Occupy your time by practicing your elitism. It's sure to come back into fashion once it goes out of style.

[Pic via]