Instead of constant emotional torture, things got physical last night on 16 and Pregnant. The pain was so bad in fact, it may single-handedly stop teenagers from having sex (unlikely!). In the immortal words of Wesley: To the pain.

Samantha is from Texas, and her friends aren't too bright. They say you can judge someone by the company they keep; well judging from Samantha's friends, it's really no mystery that Samantha got pregnant.

Preventing pregnancy is impossible! A penis goes in a vagina, BAM! pregnancy. It's an unstoppable force. So that's how Samantha inevitably got preggers.

She lives in a small Texas town, with a close-knit family of 172 people. Samantha's mother had her as a teen, so Samantha seems to be accidentally keeping this tradition going, much to her mother's chagrin. But can her mother really blame her that much? Samantha's family really likes having babies. They like having babies so much, that Samantha's mother is having another baby at the same time as her daughter. Which always leads to the hilarious niece being older than her uncle. Get these wacky babies a sitcom!

So Samantha's parents were so miffed that she and her boyfriend, Eric, were having sex that they banned them from seeing each other. But Eric's mom had other ideas! She let these two kids sneak around together, and when Samantha's mother found out, she was understandably furious. In an attempt to get the two moms on speaking terms again, they went to some depressing restaurant and sat in silence for half the meal. Crisis averted!

OK, so they eventually talked it out in a really boring manner by being genuine and saying they were sorry. Leaving me, the viewer, thinking, "Where's the friggin' conflict in this episode?" It's nice that everyone is doing so well, but I don't watch reality TV to see reasonable, understanding people. I watch it to see awful, selfish, crazy "people", so I can feel better about myself. Worst episode ever? Maybe!

This episode was filled with a lot of dead air because, frankly, there really wasn't a whole lot going on. There was a bizarrely long montage with really sad indie music playing in the background of Samantha getting dressed for her first day of school, because she was worried that the other kids would see her pregnant belly. Really? Who gives a crap. It's awkward, move on. We don't need to hear Bright Eyes playing half a song while Samantha squeezes into her jeans. So where where was the conflict this week? It was between the mother and her unborn daughter.

No, she didn't beat her baby, she just needed her to come out of her body in a quick and efficient manner. Except unborn babies, stubborn as they are, sometimes like staying in the womb. It's warm, it's comfortable, they don't have to get a job. It's a pretty good set-up in there. Samantha's baby was definitely big ballin' inside her mom's stomach, so she wasn't coming out without a fight. She let Samantha know this by putting her in some of the most excruciating looking pain caught on television.

MTV teased the second half of the labor it was so bad! Eventually she needs a c-section, and I'm sorry for being an insensitive jerk about the miracle of life, but that shit was gross. Knives and babies don't go together, unless you're teaching your baby essential knife skills.

So the baby is born with a thick head of hair, and was gigantic. I half expected her to come out of the womb with a mustache and smoking a cigarette. And after that... little else happens, really. Samantha is mad because Eric just wants to play with the baby instead of caring for her. Kinda like this:

So Samantha tells him he needs to be more like a dad and stop treating the baby like a pet, and he agrees. Ungh.

We can only hope that some heinously awful father will teach his baby how to shoot a gun next week. Because that would make for good watchin'.