Scientists Discover New Ways to Make Women Self-Conscious

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

  • Step aerobic scientists have determined that women need a full hour of "moderate exercise a day to prevent weight gain as they age." Did you get your full hour in today? Fattie. (What do men need? No one knows).

  • Thanks to NObama's health care plan of doom, fast food chains nationwide will now be posting calorie counts on their menus—even in the drive thru lane. Did your hour of exercise today burn the 687 calories in that Big Mac, you think? Hm. Well, if you think so.

  • Do you have some sort of crazy body dysmorphic disorder that makes you think something totally random like your chin or your nose or you elbow or your humongous ass looks bad? Breakthrough new brain imaging research on sufferers of this affliction reveals the real problem: ugly brain.

  • Don't worry, though. The fat cancer will probably get you before you have too much time to stress about it.
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