What Should Jack Bauer Do Now that '24' Has Been Canceled?

Between the hours of 5 and 6PM on the eighth day of his anti-terror torture spree, pretend CIA Agent Jack Bauer will be ordered to stand down from your TV set. What should he do next?

24 may get a spin-off movie, which would be a great opportunity for Jack Bauer to try a new job, or maybe a hobby to get his mind off the massive case of PTSD that's about to liquefy his soul. Here are some dazzling career fields in dire need of Jack.

What Should Jack Bauer Do Now that '24' Has Been Canceled?

Eli Roth Torture Porn Star: With 238 on-screen kills and the ability to break a man's neck between his strong, supple thighs, Jack Bauer could be the electrode-wielding anti-hero of Hostel: Part III, which is currently in development. Our tale begins when a sexy Saudi jihadess disguises herself as a European backpacker. Bauer pursues her to a little-known hostel in Slovakia and discovers the fabled 72 dark-eyed virgins—each of them the keeper of a vital secret, all of them nubile co-eds on spring break. His coalition of heroic rogues includes a corset-wearing MI6 agent named Natasha and a well-muscled Moussad agent named Benyamin Over.

What Should Jack Bauer Do Now that '24' Has Been Canceled?

Teabugger: James O'Keefe & Co. failed at their quest to bug (or phone tap or be otherwise sneaky in) Sen. Mary Landrieu's office. But Jack Bauer is an expert in illegal wiretaps, and has all kinds of tech-savvy spy friends. With Bauer on their side, O'Keefe wouldn't need to go undercover as a pimp to shoot movies of ACORN and the like—Jack would kick down the door and shoot all the poor people for him! But with a gun.

What Should Jack Bauer Do Now that '24' Has Been Canceled?

Tea Party Demagogue: You think the tea partiers are uncouth now? Wait till you see the gun-slinging, face-screaming revelry Jack Bauer the Rabble-Rouser has in store. Now that health care reform is a done deal, tea partiers need a new cause. How about terrorism? It's a touchy subject hopelessly prone to racism and "Obama is a Muslim" nonsense, so the tea partiers will love it. Together, Jack and the tea partiers will reopen Gitmo and waterboard to the hearts' content.

What Should Jack Bauer Do Now that '24' Has Been Canceled?

Journalist: Nobody's asking the hard questions these days! Not to Sarah Palin who lies to their faces, or to Barack Obama who makes Indonesian interviewers giggle with glee. But Jack Bauer is a master at eliciting the truth. Let's see if Palin can talk about death panels when Jack Bauer's got her facing a real death panel, hmm?