On last night's episode of Real Time, Bill Maher used the tail end of his "New Rules" segment to speak about health care reform with a brilliantly offensive Tiger Woods-related angle. Inside, video and a full transcript of Maher's remarks.
Here's the video of Maher's statement, in which he suggested Democrats get rough with Republicans the same way Woods did in text messages to his mistress, and also reminded the left that, "Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles."
Here's a word President Obama should take out of his Teleprompter: Bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory, not in practice. The best thing that happened this year is when Obama finally realized that and said: "Kiss my black ass, we're going it alone George W. Bush style." [applause]
Now, two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "the health care bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi. Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards' girlfriend was filming it.
And yet, even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap, they were being warned not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats do a shot and then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do. [applause]
Do not listen to the people who are now saying that nothing else big should be attempted for a while because health care was so rough. Wrong. Because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the right lose this one. When they're losing, they squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being "shoved down our throats." Or the Democrats were "ramming it through." The bill was so big they "couldn't take it all at once." [laughter]
And you know what? I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something. It reminded me of Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote: "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own. Then I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise." Unquote. [laughter]
And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude the Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party. [applause]
Yes, it does. That's what they should be saying to the Republicans: "Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise! Now pass the cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me, ‘global warming is real.'" [applause]
The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if cap-and-trade bill isn't popular, neither was health care. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.
So don't stop. We need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon, we need to bring troops home from everywhere, we need to end the drug war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts — starting with Dick Cheney. [applause]
Democrats, in conclusion, Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: Drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th. And by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand.
A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them: "How's that ‘hopey-changey' thing working for you?" Great, actually, thanks for asking. And how's that whole ‘Hooked on Phonics' thing working out for you? [laughter]