The Great America Jell-O Scam

The Way We Live Now: Engaged in inexplicable schemes. We like to say "Oh, it was just the dementia," or "Oh, it was just our fundamental misunderstanding of our own economic system." But who's to say we're not just crazy?

An old retired Long Island couple "cooked up" this moneymaking scheme: they purchased Jell-O mix, took the Jell-O mix home, emptied the Jell-O mix box, prepared and consumed the Jell-O, then refilled the Jell-O box with "{plastic sandwich bags filled with the sand and salt," then returned the re-sealed boxes to the grocery store for a refund. At $1.40 per box, they could clear up to $14 on one of their crime sprees.

Fortunately, authorities have brought this crime wave to a halt, and the tabloid media has feasted voraciously on the corpses of the two impoverished, mentally enfeebled elderly perpetrators. But Alzheimers does not explain the recent rally in the US stock market, which analysts say is totally unjustified. Or does it? Is it possible that the majority of American investors are old people who base their investment strategy primarily on the "advice" of Wilford Brimley, which they divine by reading their oatmeal?

Yes, it is not only possible, but a probability. After all, if you can't get rich in the stock market, where are you going to get rich these days? Returning Jell-O to the supermarket, ha? Consider your grim alternatives. You could accept an underpaid position that you're vastly overqualified for, happy even for the smallest crumb you can steal from the break room. Or you can join the Somali navy hoping to fight pirates, only to find that you're woefully underfunded, and you have to make swords out of sticks and "guns" also out of sticks. And? And what? Those are the only options left.

NOW WHO'S CRAZY, Jell-O fans?

Jello bandits! overqualified workers. dumb stock rally. sewing truckers. nigerian bicyclists.