If I told you there was a wonderful site that had a ridiculous amount of campy old videos from the 80s and 90s just begging for your perusal, you'd probably say "Well of course. That's YouTube. Where have you been?"
Then I'd have to slap you in the mouth for being so presumptuous. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I roll.
No, friend, I'm talking about the Found Footage Festival- an incredible website (and, evidently, a festival as well) that brings you nothing but terrible old VHS transfers of things you only remember in your nightmares. Of course, I can't ask you just to take my word for it, so why not jump right in and see the six things I found within fifteen minutes of perusing the Found Footage Festival.
This guy immediately drew my eye and it's easy to see why. It's the plastic hat, it's the tiny tiny pipe. You know this is going to be a winner, and it is. It's a video of a man (not the man you see above- that guy just dances on mushrooms. No, that's not a joke) singing the 1912 tribute to Ireland, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." The lyrics are provided while he sings but- amazingly- they are not spell-checked. Note: this video features some surprisingly adept green-screening.
Oh Hard Hat Harry, I'm starting to doubt you've ever even been to space.
Did you ever wonder how it is that astronauts go number two? NASA was, for a time, pretty sure that this was such a pressing concern that they developed technology to turn action figures into spacemen whose primary function is to answer that very question. Know how I know NASA is behind this video? Because the first half of it is shot at the Space Camp gift shop. Don't ask how I know that.
I'm rich. This is my tennis court.
Tom Vu is a Vietnamese immigrant who claims to be famous from Miami to Quebec. You may have to rewind a few times to understand him, he's not that great at English. He also says that being a poor, immigrant minority who doesn't speak English (his words) need not be an impediment to riches. Evidently his plan involves real estate somehow, but this video is primarily just showing us his Mercedes, his fountain, his tennis court, and his rich friends who "own ten homes and a Cadillac." Best Part: "My advice to the housewives out there- Encourage your husbands to stop drinking beer and take the Tom Vu's course."
Did you ever see the episode of The Office where Carrell becomes "Prison Mike"? This is clearly his inspiration.
Real men love the Lord. We all know this, but the stupid jerk in this video doesn't.One fateful day, someone (God?) drops a day planner on him that says "Love God with all your Heart." This leads him to realize that his Pearl Jam, Green Day and Counting Crows CDs are evil. He destroys them, even inexplicably taking a bite out of the Counting Crows CD. Then he punches his friend in the face because he's "Loco por Jesus." (this is the only line delivered in Spanish).
I have a sense of humor. I hope you do, too.
Are you old enough to remember video dating? I'm not, but I am old enough to remember sitcoms that have an episode that is ABOUT video dating. It's how nerds tried to get laid did before hotornot, which is what they did before adult friend finder, which is what they did before we all just started pulling our dongs out on Chatroulette. Evidently this video originates from David Cross, although no further information is provided about why it was in his possession. Words don't really do it justice. This is a real quote: "I'm just your typical research mathematician, I guess."
Here are some words that rhyme with Corey. Gory, Story, Allegory... Montessori...
Fresh from his first stint in rehab, back in 1989, Corey Haim decided to release a video diary explaining what he'd been up to and how he was now on a better path. He expresses his desire to move, professionally, from playing the "younger brother" to the "older brother, or the only brother." He's obviously pretty high here, he opens the video by drawing on the wall with crayon. I actually found this video first (who can resist that cute face?) but saved it for last because it's oddly prescient given what ultimately became of the younger Corey. I like to end things on a down note.