You'll Take Your Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity Jackpot, and You'll Like ItS

The Way We Live Now: Eatin' Eggos. And that's just the winners among us. We eat waffles in lieu of any better prizes. None are available. Unless you're a hedge fundie, or a vagabond.

Louise Chavez walked into a casino in Colorado last week. She inserted one penny in a slot machine, and pulled. The machine told her she won $43 million. Oops, said the casino; that was an error. But they gave her a consolation prize. "She said that the casino gave her free breakfast but that she is owed more."

Americans: why are we so greedy? Somebody gives us a free breakfast, and our only response is that we are owed more. What message does that send to breakfast cooks, and egg layers, and the children supported by the salaries of those and other breakfast-related workers? It sends the message that they are just as worthless as the common CEO, whose pay plummeted by nearly 1% last year.

Do we as a nation really want to put an omelette in our mouth knowing that the short order cook feels no more worthwhile to society than the average, run of the mill, median $2.64 million per year CEO? More omelette for you, buddy!

What else, what else is in the news... oh, did you see this? Hedge funds are back again. Yea. That's right. Last year lots of big hedge managers started making money again, including one guy who personally made $4 billion. Yea. Or as Mayor Mike calls it, "an off year."

[PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER]

But seriously folks. If you're not a breakfast mogul, a hedge fund billionaire, or a dying vagabond who put together a $1.5 million fortune by recycling tin cans, you're totally fucked. Seriously.

[PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER]