Lindsay Lohan Too High to Realize Everyone Is Making Fun of HerS

The walking tragedy that is LiLo takes a turn for the cringe-worthy. Charlie Sheen wants to quit his TV show. Michael Douglas laments his wilting libido. Tiger's kindergarten teacher has Gloria Allred on retainer and "feelings" to "express." TGIFriday gossip.

  • Emceeing Star's Young Hollywood party, Perez Hilton joked about taking "a minute of silence for Lindsay Lohan." Then he realized LiLo was standing right there, in the audience. "Everybody cringed, but Lindsay seemed dazed and just stared into space." Extra-weird because Star accused LiLo of having "moved on to harder drugs" just this week. Is she flouting them on purpose? Is she messing with us? Or is she just—sigh—just a mess? [P6, Star, Celebitchy]

  • Speaking of sad LiLo, she was $23,000 behind on rent, and finally paid up, but now she's dead broke. This is why she should suck it up and do the escort gigs. [TMZ]

  • Michael Douglas talked about his waning "libido" again. It was forgivable the first time because it was in AARP. But a second round of wilted penis talk, with Esquire, now? Too much. [Popeater]

  • "What started out as a reality show stunt has turned into a real relationship," says 26-year-old hospitality biz whiz Brian Mazza, who is "couple-y" with High Society star Tinsley Mortimer. More "how we met" stories should begin, "it started as a stunt." Like the tale of the tightrope walker who fell in love with the strong man. [P6]

  • Is lawyer-to-the-starfuckers Gloria Allred getting rich off Tiger Woods, or what? Now she's got a press conference scheduled for Tiger Woods' kindergarten teacher, who will definitively confirm or deny the claim that Tiger "became aware of my racial identity.... on my first day of kindergarten," when a group of older boys "tied me to a tree, spray-painted the word 'nigger' on me, and threw rocks at me." She'll probably deny it because Tiger also said, "The teacher really didn't do much of anything," and because she apparently wants to "express her feelings about Tiger and his alleged mistresses," and seriously, who cares about this lady's feelings? Who does she think she is, a rando with a computer offering unasked-for opinions about celebrities on the internet? Some people. [TMZ]

  • French President Nicolas Sarkozy played a game of Clue where the characters were members of his cabinet and instead of solving a murder, he had to solve who started the rumor that he and First Hottie Carla Bruni were sleeping around. It was former justice minister Rachida Dati, in the government-issued limousine, with three bodyguards! So Sarko took away her limo and guards, as punishment. [P6]

  • Is Charlie Sheen leaving Two and a Half Men? Warner Brothers is reportedly offering $1 million an episode, but Sheen is prepared to walk away because "he wants to move on." Good riddance. [TVWatch, TMZ]

  • Speaking of impoverished ex-starlets, Shannen Doherty has a $44,000 tax lien against her. Stories like these make storing all your money in a shoebox under your bed sound better and better. At least you can't be in debt to the crack between your mattress and bed frame. [TMZ]

  • Perhaps you've heard: "Product-placement is now the rage with music videos." Motown execs are spam-emailing everyone they know to find someone—anyone—to place products in Kelly Rowland's new video. [P6]

  • "Former UFC fighter War Machine admits he was carrying deadly weapons during his arrest on Tuesday—the flesh and bone kind." I'm not sure fists qualify as "deadly weapons," but that's how War Machine's people are promoting him, now. His biceps shoot hollow-point bullets. His glutes are iron crossbows. His pecs are ninja stars. [TMZ]

  • Ivanka Trump's stalker is out on bail. It cost him $10,000 and a promise to see a psychiatrist. [NYPost, TMZ]

  • S. Epatha Merkerson is leaving Law & Order after nearly twenty years of dramatic one-liners about dead people. Does this mean Capt. Van Buren is going to lose her battle with cancer? [E!]
Image via X17 Agency.