Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to foster young talent. The delusion it won't quit your silly show willy nilly. The vision to bring back a favorite. The delusion he shouldn't have been there all along.
Last night's episode was like living in a low-rent orphanage. One minute your best friend is there, and the next minute, she is gone, off to a wonderful farm in Connecticut where she will live a very nice life sleeping on Martha Stewart for K-Mart sheets. And then the next minute your old best friend is back, because he was way too fabulous for the family that took him away and they just dropped him right back off on the doorstep of the orphanage with a quarter in his pocket and a note that said "Return to Sender" attached to his shirt with a rusty safety pin. And then the old bully that you don't really like who is into punk music from the '70s, he gets called to the office by the mysterious headmaster and told that his girlfriend has been kidnapped off to Europe by some lady named Donna or Karen, but they're not sure which. But they gave him a new girlfriend, some Irish girl they got in an orphanage exchange program and then all was right again. It was like an episode of Sister Kate but with less Stephanie Beacham and more product placement.
So, yes, Maya is out for some reason we haven't quite deciphered. Anthony, who was our special guest last night on the Gawker live blog, is back in. Seth Aaron's mod...oh, sorry, we don't care about the coat hangers in these parts. Something happened to Seth Aaron, but it was only a minor bump in his long and winding road.
Oh, and there was a challenge. They had to make a red carpet dress for Heidi Klum. Alas, this is one of the:
Things We Hated:
- Don't Fake the Funk: Why is Runway always trying to fake us out and surprise us with stupid tricks. Heidi comes out all Miss Nelson and blond and pretty and says that they designers have to make something for a mean, nasty celebrity. Her name is Viola Swamp and they are all very nervous. Then when they're in the workroom they're ready for a horrible black-haired lady with a wart on her nose to show up, but instead it's Miss Nelson, I mean, Heidi. It's Heidi and she is the mean celebrity. Wait, didn't they have to make a dress for this bitch once already? Yes, they did, so the producers are apparently completely out of ideas. And since they use the same tricks over and over again, during one of the (completely unnecessary) "here's what happens after the commercial break" promos we see Miss Nelson, pretending to be Viola Swamp, say "There is no winner for this challenge." Anyone who watches Runway must have said, "Yes, that's because there are going to be two winners." Lo and behold, when we finally see this moment, Miss Nelson says, "There is no winner for this challenge. There are two winners!" Ugh. Jesus. Stop it with the fake dramatics. There is enough real suspense to wring out of this show without crying wolf every 20 seconds.
- The Fall of the Mayans: Maya's excuse about leaving the show (see the video above) is the most steaming pile of bullshit ever given on a reality show. She said she wasn't ready and she couldn't take the pressure. What an idiot. If she had just stuck it out and tanked the challenge, she would have had the chance to show her line to millions at Bryant Park like a bunch of other undeserving yahoos. But no, she had to quit because she's "not ready." I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but when she was sitting on the couch with Tim trying to explain her rationale, she looked like a junkie who was trying to come up with a lame excuse to get out of her parents' house so she could go downtown and score a fix. Her excuse was completely illogical and her motivation was so completely suspect that it threw the whole endeavor into question. Whatever, Maya. Don't let the Home Depot Door hit you on the ass.
- Comedic Drama: And while we're on the subject of phony drama and Maya, trying to wriggle any sort of suspense of pathos out of this situation was just a sorry miscalculation. No one at home cares that she left. If she is stupid enough to go softly into that good night, just let her go unceremoniously. The only emotion that could be fostered from this girl would leaving because of the stress is confusion. Just leave it at that.
- Next Season, on The Real World: And then, and then at the judging, Jessica Alba hears about Maya's departure and is all, "If she thinks the stress here is bad, wait until she gets in the real world." Oh, fuck you, Jessica. You don't know shit about the real world. You are a beautiful rich celebrity who makes millions of dollars playing women that are completely invisible. You get all your clothes, jewelry, and fancy coffee drinks handed to you for free. You don't have to struggle for rent, worry about getting fired, or eat pizza for three days straight because that's all you can afford. A celebrity has as much in common with the real world as a dodo bird does with a giant pile of chocolate pudding.
- Hubris Is Not Just a City in Ohio: If it were, that is where Mila would be from, because she is one cocky bitch. Yes, Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine has decided she is the next winner already and she was the Supreme Chancellor of Fashion on her home planet, but her meager talent does not equal her massive ego. Considering that every time she makes something other than one of her black and white mod monstrosities she ends up in the bottom three, a little bit of humility would certainly suit the Romulan princess.
- Hold on for One More Day: At one point, Seth Aaron realizes he is sewing something totally boring and says, "I'm hoping it's enough to pull me through." This sentiment sucks. It is this idea of just doing enough to be safe but not taking the chances necessary to win that created the abomination of last season. We never want to hear this again!
Things We Loved:
- Suzanne Motherfucking Sugarbaker: Thank Jesus that Anthony, The Intergalactic Imperial Emperor of Second Chances, The Sultan of Brown Sugar, the Scourge of Beyoncé, who was also our special guest last night on the Gawker live blog, is back. It was so sweet that everyone talked about how great he was as a designer and what a wonderful personality he had at the top of the episode. It was a great send off, but she had an even better entrance to make the next day, busting through the door saying, "Here she is, boys!" If Jesus was a black, southern queen she would have said the same thing on Eastern morning. It is also exactly the same thing he said when he logged on to the Gawker live blog last night. He then told us, you know, on the live blog, that it was the morning after his elimination that Maya quit and the producers dragged him back in. He even picked up a hot guy on the walk over to Parson's but lost his number (hey, mystery gay, if you're reading this send us an email and we'll hook you up with Anthony). Even Miss Nelson was happy to see him and said, "Oh, miss thing is back!" That is an actual direct quote. And Suzanne really made the most of her resurrection, giving a gracious thank you to Maya for being the virgin sacrifice that brought him back from the dead, and then showed the judges they were idiots for kicking him out in the first place with a dress that looked like an Oreo in a blender, but in a good way. Good to have you back, Anthony. Oh, and did we mention he was on the live blog?
- A Special Message from Seth Aaron: He told everyone at home to "fuck off" for judging Maya because she quit. We just wouldn't understand the pressure they're under. This is the first thing this bully has done to make us respect him.
- For Your Eyes Only: We love when they show the designers a bunch of clothes a celebrity has worn in the past and call it a "dossier." It's like they're some kind of couture spy and they're going to save the world with a tomato-shaped pin cushion that secretly squirts acid strapped to their wrist.
- Solid as a Rock: This is a great point in the competition, when all the dead weight has been set free and we're stuck with a bunch of really talented people. Because there are fewer souls to squeeze into an hour, we get to hear more about the clothes, how they're made, and how the different designers are going to execute their plans in such a short period of time. We like this. Pull back the curtain and lets hear about boning, underdressing, and bias cut drapey panels (especially if you do it in a fake Heidi voice like Jonathan). That's the real magic we want to see.
- Boob Tube: Heidi loves her boobs. She loves them so much, this whole challenge sort of hinged around them. And to get the point across, she gave Jay a sneak peek and then attacked him with her massive mammaries. We are only three seasons away from the contestants being forced to motorboat her when they bend down to get her final benediction right after they have been kicked off the show.
- The Albatross: Jessica Alba was a great guest judge (except for her "real world" comment). She came out and introduced herself to everyone as "Jessica" and seemed very down to earth and real. She also gave some decent criticism. Strangely, as a Latina, she was the palest person on the judging panel. We guess she hasn't gotten Queen Tangerine's orange colored virus with such a minimal exposure.
- Bravo, Bravo: NGFDMCM got her dig into the show's old network by scoffing at Mila's dress by saying, "It looks like something the Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear." Ha! Too bad NGFDMCM doesn't realize that her dismissal is only one word away from a proper compliment in some circles. "It looks like something the Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear. Fierce!"
In the end, Anthony and Emilio took home the top prizes. Jessica Alba, who lives in the real world where you go to judge a reality television program and leave with a free dress, gets to wear Anthony's flowing black and white cookie, and Heidi gets to wear Emilio's glittery bronze sheath that fit his model like a bun fits a hotdog (but not like a hotdog fits in a hallway).
Jonathan went home for a dress that looked like the Bride of Chucky after she had been turned into a disemboweled zombie. Jay's dress was also a crappy Christian Siriano knock off. Well, before Christian started making designer knock offs for Payless, at least. What other dreckitude was there? Oh, Mila made this bronze and gray thing that NGFDMCM made fun of, but immediately after the show Sheree Whitfield showed up and ripped it off the model and said it is going to the inspiration for She by Sheree's 2010 fall collection. When a producer tried to stop her, she said, "Who gonna check me, boo" and pulled her hair thinking she was going to snatch off her wig, but it was real hair and the nice lady just said, "OW!"
And that's all we got for you today, kids. Sorry. Due to some technical difficulties, there are no videos this week, but don't worry, this format can't handle the stress of being on the internet and will quit shortly. Next week the old format will be back to rescue us all from the tedium.