What Should We Call Movies That Aren't in 3D?S

Clash of the Titans is finally open! But friends and reviewers told me that the 3D version is a rip off. But what about the "regular" version? Well, I might check it out if it had a better name.

Now that practically every big event at the movies is going to be in 3D, we need something to call the films that we all grew up watching before this. "Regular" and "normal" make them both sound like something in an office park. "Traditional" is something that will only play in red states. "Flat" makes the plot sound boring. There isn't anything good that's flat—not soda or women or the earth.

The worst option, however, is also the most common: 2D. It sounds like a black girl with braces and roller skates on The Facts of Life or something that should be quickly followed only by Frutti. It also feels weird in the mouth, like failing to tie a cherry stem in knot with your tongue. But the worst part about it is, based on the number in its name, it is fundamentally lacking. Why get two Ds when you can get 3 Ds for just $4 more? That's like a bargain when the first two Ds cost you $6 a piece!

Before it can take its next Great Leap Forward, Hollywood is going to have to keep marketing 2D (ugh) and 3D movies side-by-side, like they did with VHS and DVD while we were waiting for all our grandmothers to get with the times and switch from clunky plastic cartridges to shiny plastic discs. This is especially true if there aren't enough 3D capable screens yet. But if they expect people to actually pay money for the flat version of their fare, then they're going to have to come up with a term that's going to sell it. Some suggestions:

  • Vertical: The great thing about 3D movies is that they come out at the audience. Movies that don't are just straight up and down. Yes, they're vertical. The term carries connotations of wide open spaces and sky scrapers. It makes it sound like if you're not going to get the popping-out-iness, you're going to see something taller and broader. It is not less, it is more in a different direction!
  • Linear: Usually used to describe plot, why not use it to describe the movie altogether. It says what you're seeing is straight, like a line. It is straight forward and direct. It's not good or bad, it's just a new way to look at things. It doesn't have any of the downsides of "flat," but doesn't offer any bonuses either.
  • Classic: Yes, 3D is the future, and the rest is just the past. But it's not old and dusty like a parchment in a museum. No, it's bright and glittery like a restored Mustang whose body has been buffed to a fine shine. It is so wonderful and elegant that it is timeless. It reminds the olds about their youth and connects the youngs to a sense of history. Hey, it worked wonders for Classic Coke, just think what it can do for movies.
  • Lens-Free: Ugh, who wants to bother with those pesky glasses, when you can watch something without additional encumbrance? If God intended us to see in 3D, then we would have been born with glasses on. Right?! This one serves the one-two punch of making 3D look bad and it's older brother look glorious. However, once 3D takes over for good, this is just going to look old-fashioned.

What else you got? How can we solve this for good?

[Image via Getty]