Relive the week that was on your Magical Giant iPod while waiting at the impound lot for ACORN to return your towed non-Subaru car.
Party Crews are harassing Philly with their Party Dancing, and the authorities for some reason are blaming this on Twitter-organized "flash mobs," which are a thing Harper's invented for a laugh a few years ago on a really nice day while Lewis Lapham was outside smoking.
The Nazi Pope was for a long time much more concerned with heretics than with priests repeatedly molesting children. For this he is currently in a bit of trouble. Also in a spot of hot water: Hutaree, the wacky, fun-loving Christian militia and Michael Steele, whose RNC keeps wasting money on bondage-themed LA nightclubs and fancy hotels. They also spent thousands of dollars on trinkets from the Ronald Reagan library gift shop but that one doesn't seem to have upset people all that much.
Arthur Sulzberger is partying it up in Phoenix! And there was a lady there though they were probably not "canoodling." Meanwhile a rich developer claims he was grifted out of $100,000 by an escort. It seems like that means he just hired this escort, whose ads are still up. Then Steve Jobs went on a date with Eric Schmidt but it was all fake. Steve Jobs sometimes behaves like a normal human being in public, though. (But he is a bad driver.)
In a mysterious, ACORN-coordinated attack on our liberties, 53 Glenn Beck fans had their cars towed while they were enjoying one of his 8-hour snake oil demonstrations. Local Americorps storm troopers had steered their cars into a frat parking lot with dastardly signs.
Conde Nast is going to send content to the magic pad computer. But why buy a magic pad computer when, for just a few thousands dollar more, you can look like almost as much of a jackass? (Everyone who used to work for Conde is a-blogging now, of course.) Another option for being a jackass: using the Foursquare machine.
Bill Donohue has basically lost his goddamn mind. He is blaming everyone and everything in the world for this Papal abuse scandal besides the people who obviously did and covered up the abuse. Also Sinead O'Connor has turned into your friend's nice mom, which is sort of unexpected. Smarter Catholics know to blame Satan.
I really hope you don't drive a Subaru with an Obama bumper sticker, because if you do, Sarah Palin is determined to make you late for everything. (I kinda hope the guy who is first in line for everything drives a Subaru with an Obama bumper sticker, actually.)
The Tea Party Lexicon is this generation's Devil's Dictionary, except the creators weren't being intentionally amusing. The guy who Tweeted about killing Barack Obama is probably not in jail, but he is not Tweeting so much anymore, and he's probably on a list.