Thalidomide and soda and Vitaminwater and Jesus H. Christ, the Christians are doing yoga. It's your daily health watch, where we watch your health—while sinning!

  • Thalidomide is back! And it's good for you, this time. It fights a blood vessel disorder. Just take it, what could happen?
  • Oh sure, New York's health commissioner is willing to "go to the mat" (perv?) to fight for that penny-an-ounce tax on soda. But we already know that low soda taxes won't make kids much less fat. Even this tax he's fighting for is only projected to cut soda consumption by 15%. I guess what we're saying is, coffee has fewer calories and more caffeine than soda, so DRINK IT INSTEAD KIDS.
  • Now that Obama's reforms have obviated America's need for VitaminWater as our primary source of health care, the dyed-water company has a new pitch for you suckers: VitaminWater cures hangovers. Like water, but more expensive!
  • Jesus Christ, Christians are getting involved in yoga. Good lord. "Some teachers urge participants to 'breathe down Jesus.'" Oh heavens. Everyone knows yoga encourages the worship of "false idols" like the butt of the person in front of you.