Here Are Three Republicans Who Really Understand Young PeopleS

So some RNC people got in trouble for using RNC money to pay for their strap-ons to be sharpened or whatever. But it turns out this was just an honest, pathetic attempt at reaching out to young people!

Politico wrote an article about the Young Eagles, which is the group of young Republicans which sponsored the outing to the Samoan midget fetish club, which is the kind of club the Republicans went to, we think. From what we can gather, the Young Eagles are a group of like-minded young Republicans whose staggering wealth has made them unable to relate to anyone who didn't get a yacht with a Lamborghini parked on top of it for their 16th birthday. The Republican Party And in their thinking about the Young Eagles, we can see how purely the Republican Party just does not understand young people.

Here is how three Republicans, who we assume spoke to Politico because they think they know a lot about young people, talked about the youngs:

RNC commiteman David Nocross:

We do events that a specific demographic will like, so it will love us and give us money and vote for us... And, when you're dealing with young people, it's probably a good idea to go off the beaten track a little bit and do things you think they might like.... Why should we of all parties do old stodgy stuff?

I am a young person, so I feel comfortable speaking on behalf of all young people here: There is nothing that creeps us out more than an old person saying something like what David Nocross said. Son, I know this 'Ecstasy' is quite popular with folks your age. How would you and a few buddies like to go to a local bondage club, pop a couple 'tabs' and have a good time? Bet you thought us Republicans were just into yacht racing. Well, we also love lesbian bondage clubs. Just like you!

An unnamed former Young Eagle

"Everything that's cool from a pop culture perspective is Democratic - whether it's Kanye West or Bruce Springsteen - and with younger conservatives, a good event is often a big way to help sell." Traditional fundraising events such as golf and tennis outings don't quite cut it with young donors, he said. "How many times can you go to the U.S. Open?"

As a young person, I actually do agree that everything "cool" in pop culture is Democratic. For example, Bruce Springsteen, who is the happeningist thing these days with the kids, walking around with their new-fangled portable wax cylinder players. That and the Lindy Hop, and Twitter and segregation.

An unnamed "young donor familiar with the Young Eagles":

A lot of people in our demographic understand that there are a lot of clubs around the country like Voyeur that are the trendy, hot clubs to go to right now.

This "young donor" appears to be my 82 year-old grandmother, for this is exactly what she says about the things anyone under 65 does. So we now know that the Republicans were just very confused by these young people who don't get excited by another U.S. Open fundraiser. And, obviously, someone who doesn't like tennis is into lesbian bondage clubs. Hey, it's the 90s! (Right?)