In last night's episode there was a violent game of Assassin, while other people warred with each other in their own way, and, inevitably, something died.

Tell me this is a fantasy of yours: All the kids on Gossip Girls run around and kill each other until only the little blonde one is left alive and then she slinks off sadly, never to be seen again. If that scenario gets your lunchables in bunchables, you would have loved last night's episode of Gossip Cats. That is exactly what happened! You know, metaphorically.

See it was Nate's big sweet sixteen birthday party and he really wanted it to be special. He and his mom and been working with noted teen party planner Bruce Rondeé (a "friend" of Nate's pageant coach, Crys Willingham) for months and had cooked up a rather elaborate party. But then Nate's dad went broke and to jail and they had to fire Bruce Rondeé and now he's got nothing. Well, he's got one thing: Serena! Yeah he's still dating that bubble-blonde strawberry sucker and, in lieu of his "Arabian Mysteries by Rondeé" themed party, she has planned something special for him. Only, it's a ssseeeecret. So while she set everything up she pushed him off to go play double dutch with his Grandpapa.

Only that's not what Nate did. See, old people smell and make you play a game called Finger Berries that makes Nate's insides sad, so he'd rather not do that. What he'd rather do is go hang out with his best gal pal, Jenny Humphrey. She swooped in and, though she knew he had to get back for his surprise party at a certain time, took him on a long date. She's got a big ol' crush on him, is the reason, ever since he rescued her from drugs last week. So they went and fed ducks in the park and saw a movie and went to speak to a counselor about Finger Berries and it was just a grand old time. But meanwhile back at the party, Serena had no idea where little Nate could be!

The party she had planned was based on the game Assassin. Do you know this game? When I was in high school (early-late '40s) the kids in the suburbs just outside Boston would play it in springtime. It was this school-wide thing where you'd get a person's name and have to "kill" them. You could do it anywhere. At their house, at the supermarket, after a rousing and consensual game of Finger Berries. It was really up to you. So basically kids would be running around for a month or so in the nice weather, thus bringing the whole school together. Sounds fun, right? Well, that is not the Assassin that Serena organized. No, she set up this weird thing where you put a picture of yourself around your neck and then people try to grab it off, sort of like flag football. It was dumb. And of course all the Gossip Gringo kids were all lithe and wispy when grabbing the pictures, not sweating and heaving and slamming into each other and pawing at each other's chests like mad, as real people would do. No they were just "Oop, pluck!" and then a harp would play a MGMT chord and that'd be that.

Anyway, Nate & Jenny finally showed up to the party and Serena was all "the fuck's goin' on here?" but she didn't have time for an explanation because it was time to play Assassin. So all the kids poured out onto the Upper East Side and went about delicately poking their translucent angel tentacles at each other while regular people on the street shuffled and wheezed and said "excuuuuse me," in the ugly honking voices we normals all have. As it turned out, Nate & Jenny were the last two alive and while grabbing Nate's picture from his pulsating porcelain porpoise chest, Jenny kissed him right square on the mouth. Oooops!! Nate was clearly dazed and upset — he'd always thought his first kiss would be from Bruce Rondeé — and didn't know what to say to Serena. So he just smooched S. right when he saw her (he's a kissing fool now!) and told her that Jenny was just upset about that little almost-rape thing, no big deal. The pair got to snuggling and Jenny stared at them for a bit and eventually loped on home, humming an Edie Brickell song and plotting her next move.

Elsewhere in the episode, Chuckles McBuckles and his ladyfriend Blair Underwood were having problems. Remember when Chuck owned that hotel but then lost it because his mom was a straight up stone bitch and totally sold him out for her paramour, Jack Bass? Well Chuck will not rest until he gets his precious, beloved hotel that he's only owned for like six months back, no matter what the cost. And sometimes the cost is personal. When it came to a trade, Jackbass only wanted one thing: access to Blair's girlzone. Uh oh! This spells trouble for our young lovers. So Chux struck some sort of mysterious deal with Jack, as did Blair, unbeknownst to each other. When it came time for her to do her part, Blair put on her best Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies outfit and set off for her destiny: the wriggling, floppy Finger Berry games of Jack Bass. After signing a contract saying he'd give back the hotel once he'd had his way with Blair, Jack began to seduce her with champagne and polka music and then delicately kissed her on the lips and then said "A ha, ya burnt!" It had all been a ruse, sort of! See Jack just wanted to mess with Chuck, to make him realize that he is ultimately unlovable (or something?). But Chuck maybe really did offer Blair up as a trade at some point? It was confusing. Blair and Chuck confronted each other and were just like "Did you?" "Did you?" "Did You?" "Did YOU?" and then they just slapped each other back and forth for a while and, I think, broke up. What I gleaned from it is that Blair felt gross and used and Chuck had secretly slept with Jack Bass. Is that accurate?

Also in this episode were Dan and his cavewoman bride, Vanessa. They were having a fight because Dan was writing a one act play that he wanted criticism on, and Vanessa wanted to go visit her parents in Lascaux. No, actually, she wanted him to read her screenplay. Oh they're such creative types! You can tell by their dark hair. So they exchanged scripts — Dan's play was called In the Parlor With Captain Featherbottom and was a delightful drawing room farce, and Vanessa's screenplay was called Alvin and the Chimpmunks: The Third Nut — and went off to read them. And, ruh roh, they were both bad. Well, not bad, but not good. But of course they were scared to tell each other bad things now that Dan's in love and Vanessa has taken to clubbing people again, so they played a pretend dance of "Ohhh I looooove it" and "OOoo I didn't get a chance to reeeead it yet!" until, during Assassin, they finally caved and were like "It sucked", "Yeah, it sucked." (Then Nate's Grandpappy popped up and said "It didn't suck," in a very sad voice and the laugh track went Awwwww.) After that Dan and Vanessa decided to be totally honest with each other. Tomorrow Dan will tell her all about last summer with Nate (and last month and last week and this morning) and all will be well.

The real joy of this episode, though, was that we finally caught a glimpse of our dear friend Erik again. He had a new brown tufted mullet hairdo but the same puckered Samantha doll face and he was talking about Japanese people. Apparently he was in Japan and met some boys that he liked but it turned out they were really into orgies and hentai or something. Rufus was making him waffles while Erik checked out Facebook and explained the gross-out situation, and Ruf was all "I'm sure there are plenty of other boys who like you," being all cool-dad, cool-with-the-gays guy. He then rested his hands on the counter and looked down, able to see a dull reflection of himself in the sink. "Plenty of other boys..." he quietly said again. But then the moment passed and Erik had decided that he wanted no more Japaneses. He was ready for a Great American Romance and, what timing, he found one.

While he was getting ready to play Assassin, he met a young swain named Timothy Roundcheeks, a very tall fellow with dimples in his eyes and the faint whiff of cucumber about him. Erik was instantly smitten and he did a dainty curtsy and fluttered his eyelashes and Timothy Roundcheeks nodded his head and said "Yes, yes she will do." Erik had just the birthing hips and Samantha doll lips that he was looking for.

I hope we see more of that next week! I hope we don't see more sad Chuck or befuddled Nate or "let's navigate this relationship problem of the week" Vanessa & Dan. Actually, let's just see no Vanessa, ever again. She can take Jenny with her. Who likes Jenny? Nobody likes Jenny, that's who. This show should be about Erik and Dorota. Dorota, who got engaged! Isn't that fun. I assume there will be some sort of wedding episode set in the servants' quarters, so that's kind of exciting. A little upstairs/downstairs stuff, a little Gosford Park.

Until then, we'll just have to wait with bated breath. While Nate and Serena do their lovely, sexless dance and Grandpapa stares at them angrily through the window, fingering his own berries and cursing it for just not being the same. While Blair and Chuck eye each other from across a dimly lit room and hungrily eat chocolates and swill brandy and do whatever regular 19-year-olds do. While Dan and Vanessa sit glumly in a cave somewhere, Vanessa banging out some kind of primitive cornmeal mash, Dan writing more dialogue for his play (CPT. FEATHERBOTTOM: Why Milicent Curlicue, what a pleasure to see you! MILICENT: Ohh Captain Featherbottom, we're ever so pleased to have you at Doilington Manor. Would you care for a buttered scoooone?) and nodding his head thinking "Yes, yes. This is good."

And while Erik dances around his room with a small daguerreotype of Timothy Roundcheeks pressed close to his chest, a scratchy old love tune about a woman named Josephine playing on the Victrola, outside a soft spring rain falling, feeding all the worms and ladybugs and pretty, pretty flowers that dot the earth.

There is no more of that! Brian! Why don't you tell us whose cool points got assassinated last night.

Thanks, Richard. As usual, there were very few survivors. It was like the Moldavian massacre, with just as many shoulder pads.

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Ammo accessories: +1, Damn, girl. That is one big rock for a doorman to be giving you: +2, She wears her engagement ring on the wrong hand. Is that some weird Polish tradition we don't know about?: -1
Personality Flaw: She works a gun like she was a former KGB operative: +2
Power Play: Smart enough to know that what Nate really wants for his birthday is Polish sausage in bed: +2, Hates cookies with hearts and loves bombs that go boom: +1, Can put the Eastern Bloc on high alert with one phone call (and we have a feeling she means more than Anderson Cooper's boyfriend gay bar): +1
Quip: "I am a blur of sparkly": +1
Sexual Intrigue:
Social Schemes: Stole Nate's phone for Serena: +1, Wait, she's working for Serena now?: -1, The only one who gets to yell surprise at Nate: +1
WTF: Mazel on the engagement. She and Vanya can quit their jobs and raise a brood of spy assassin babies: +2
Total: 12
Season to Date: 64
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Blair:
Fashion Points: Shoulder pads are the new head bands. We don't think so: -1, That Matthew Williamson dress is hideous: -2
Personality Flaw: Turns down champagne: -1
Power Play: Has to ask Serena how slutty is too slutty. That's like asking a blind person to describe the sun: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Holds Chuck's future in her cooze: +1, Willing to give herself up for Chuck: +2, Ew, but Jack! And she did him once already!: -1, Chuck picked the hotel over her: -3, A justifiable break up: +2, But she does it as a woman shamed: -1
Social Schemes: Can she not tell that Chuck and Jack are playing her like an out of tune fiddle at a redneck jamboree?: -3, When Jack explains his and Chuck's plan, she knows that he's telling the truth: +2, Still she fell right into it: -3
Total: -10
Season to Date: 20
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Jack's wearing his old robe: -1, Purple!: -1, Oh, a Tom Ford paisley tie: +1
Money: Jack is selling all his stuff: -2, Can still afford to buy the hotel back: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks he's a failure like his father said he was: -1
Power Play: Doesn't care about the petty little game of assassin: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Still has Blair, even though he doesn't have his hotel: +1, Is trying to use Blair's own "I'll be with you in the darkest moment" against her:-2, Then he tells her that she went to Jack on her own, as if he didn't push her right into his arms. For a guy who knows how to control her, he certainly is doing the wrong thing to win her back: -3, Really, you're going to pick a hotel over Blair Waldorf?: -2, Thinks he can get Blair back: +1, Don't be so sure, mister: -2
Social Schemes: Knows all the right buttons to push to get Blair to do what he wants: +3, He used his scheming powers for good not evil: -1
Total: -9
Season to Date: 14
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Eric:
Fashion Points: Could not find even one barber who would cut his hair while in Japan: -2, His black hat makes him look like a really faggy dock worker: -1
Power Play: Gets his hair ruffled by Nate like he's some sort of fey chipmunk: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Was apparently sleeping with all sorts of boys in Tokyo. Good for him!: +2, Literally stumbles into a hot new boyfriend: +2, Leaves him to go mess with Jenny: -1, The hottie hunts all over the building for him: +1, He leaves Jenny to go get laid: +2, He went from suicidal sad, sack to the gay Casanova: +1
Social Schemes: Tries to talk sense into Jenny. That is never a good idea: -1, Somehow he is the only one who figures out what is going on with Jenny and Nate: +2
WTF: We miss him wandering around the park with a red balloon tied to his wrist: -1
Total: 3
Season to Date: 3
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Nate:
Family Secrets: Tells Serena about Jenny's brush with rape: -1
Fashion Points: No manbangs!: -1, The old man shawl collar again: -1
Power Play: Can't even win a stupid game of assassin at his own birthday party: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Serena won't let him get nasty on his birthday. He knows that if you don't get head on your birthday you are doomed for a year without blow jobs: -2, Why are ladies always fighting over him?: +1, There is no way this situation with Jenny isn't going to end badly. It's Jenny, for fuck's sake: -1, Finally Serena takes him upstairs to put her handcuffs to good use: +2
Social Schemes: Is completely oblivious to why Serena is mad at him for being late: -1, Also completely oblivious that Jenny is trying to give him her V card: -2,
WTF: Makes the lamest surprise face: -2
Total: -9
Season to Date: -1
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Pirate Jenny:
Fashion Points: Ew, fedora: -1
Personality Flaw: Food and humiliation are close to the Humphrey's hearts: -1
Power Play: Managed to get herself ungrounded: +2, Wins the stupid game of assassin: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Sneaks in a kiss with Nate: +2, Nate tells her that he is in no way interested in taking her V card: -1, She successfully plays it off and waits to strike another day: +2
Social Schemes: No one told her about Nate's birthday party: -1, Ruins Serena's big surprise by taking up Nate's time: +3, Gets invited to Nate's birthday just by showing up with the birthday boy: +2, Even her mute gay best friend would rather hang out with someone else: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Rufus:
Power Play: All he is good for is as a pawn for the Bing product placement: -3, Jenny is already ungrounded?!: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Gives lousy lady advice to Dan, which may explain why his wife is trotting around the globe with someone else: -3
Total: -8
Season to Date: -18
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Lily:
WTF: Is not even there to welcome her slutty gay son back from his time in Japan: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Finally hides the lady dreads under a hat: +2
Personality Flaw: Makes a short film out of one of Dan's short stories. Is she trying to be a failure?: -2,
Power Play: Is excited for Dan to read her film, but doesn't want to read his play: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Foolishly believes that Dan loves her play as much as he says he does: -2, Wounds her man by being honest: -1, Dan tells her that her play isn't as great as she thinks: -1
Social Schemes: Applied to the writing program Dan wants to get into without telling him: -3
WTF: Two writers should never hook up because as much as they like each other, if one is a better writer, the other will be resentful and hate them. However, this doesn't stop all writers from primarily being attracted to other writers: (no points, just observation), This passive aggressive script reading plot is so dry and self-serious it's like reading one of Vanessa's scripts: -2
Total: -11
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Dan:
Fashion Points: Admits he hates Serena's slutty dresses: +2 (cause so do we), His hair situation is out of hand. Do he and Eric share the same lousy barber?: -1
Personality Flaw: Why is he wasting his time writing one-act plays. No one produces or watches those things: -1
Power Play: Goes snooping and finds out V hated his play: +2 (see, he found out the truth, and Vanessa has no taste so her hating it is like a double negative. That means it's probably good)
Sexual Intrigue: Lies about loving Vanessa's script. This is an excellent plan: +2, Eventually admits he was lying: -1
Social Schemes: Calls out Vanessa for hating his script: +2, Vanessa totally stole his spot in the writing program: -2
WTF: This passive aggressive script reading plot is so dry and self-serious it's like reading one of Dan's one-acts: -2
Total: 2
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Bang Bang You're Dead

Serena:
Fashion Points: Putting her picture on that extra long chain from Forever 21: -1
Personality Flaw: Her version of assassin is lame: -1
Power Play: Blames the handcuffs on Chuck and Blair. Oh please, Serena. We all know that is the least of the toys in your slutty sex box: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Is a good girlfriend and devises a great surprise party: +2, Is she actually jealous about Jenny?: -1, Finally admits the handcuffs are hers: +1, Uses them on Nate. He'll never leave her if she keeps putting out in the creative ways that she does: +2
Social Schemes: Smart enough to enlist Dorota's help with her ruse: +2, Uses Gossip Girl to crowdsource Nate's whereabouts: +1, Jenny is outsmarting her. Sure, it doesn't take much to outsmart Serena, but even Little J!: -1
WTF: Wow, she shockingly give Blair the right answer when Blair asks her how slutty is too slutty: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: -47
Power Position: Up