Pray You Can Afford to Keep Your Apartment Until You Die Alone

The Way We Live Now: Not standing a chance. Unless you're a lucky adventurer straight out of Inglourious Basterds, chances are you're locked out of your apartment. Or dead inside it. Fly away? You can't afford it. Dream on!

Sure, a few bastards will be lucky enough to be Holocaust victims and snag some $10 million golden relic while they're strolling around post-war Berlin, happy to be alive. But for the rest of us normal bastards who weren't fortunate enough to be in the Holocaust gold rush, things are different.

Different bad. Everyone can't live in a magical land where Nazis take over and a few years later, voila, golden tokens rain down from heaven. Here in modern day America, we no longer even have the right to air travel without paying $45 for a god damn single bag. And we can't go back to our old strategy of constantly getting bumped off flights in order to get free vouchers to make up for the fucking bag fees, because airlines aren't even overbooking any more.

What are these airlines trying to pull?

Our legs, which is where we keep our money after the safe implantation surgery we had in '07. No rest for the weary travelers at home, either. Apartment rents are rising, suckers. You'll pay, just so you don't become one of the poor bastards getting kicked out of their apartments right this very minute. Oh, you'll pay. You'll hold on tight to that shithole apartment until your last dying day, at which point you'll become another "lonely death," a mere puddle of body-shaped goo staining the carpet in someone else's new place.

Being homeless is now economically advantageous.
[Pic via]