Last night was Beatles night on America's favorite county fair sing-off, because the girls who squealed for them on Ed Sullivan are now grandmothers, so it's OK to karaoke their childhoods.
Or something like that! Who knows. Ringo gotta get paid. Paul's bored. And the other two have been oddly quiet since that rooftop thing. So that's that. The Beatles. Here we go.
It was a strange evening. Why so strange? Well, because there was some weird harasser in the back of the room who kept hooting things at Simon in the middle of his judging. And rather than have him dragged out by security and shot by Rickey Minor, they invited him up on stage to fondle the contestants and hoot some more. American Idol: Indulging schizophrenics since 2002. Good work everyone.
It was also strange because I found myself... sort of respecting Kara DioGuardi's mouth words. I know, I know. Rickey Minor is on his way over to drag me outside where I'll be fondled to death by the hooting harasser for saying such a thing, but jut hear me out. She was sort of giving lucid commentary last night. I mean, compared to two of the other ones. Ellen just says "It's nice!" and leaves it at that. And Randy furrows his brow and says "Yo, your pants and elephant rumpus were aight, crocodile friend, but piano gumbo soup, y'know?" And the contestants just nod and Ryan Seacrest clears his throat awkwardly and we move on. So compared to that, Kara kind of says things that are OK. Don't worry, she's still a hideous hose beast who's almost as bad as Paula at concealing the fact that she wants to ride several of the male contestants like a petting zoo pony, but as far as criticism goes, she is the second best. It's true. Ugh. I feel awful. I need something good in my life. Oh, here!
Extry, Extry, read all about it! Crystal Boomerslacks (that is a "humorous" nickname I use for Idol contestant Crystal Bowersox, hopefully that clears some things up) performed well on American Idol last night! Come on boys, get yer papes here and be up on all the news! Boomerslacks does boffo!
No, guys, I'm joking. It's really not remotely surprising that Crystal Powderbox (that's still Crystal Bowersox, Sonia) did well last night, or any night, because she is a professional singer and musician. And she is the only one of those on the show this season. Everyone else is like Milla Jovovich. It's like "Oh, you were a model and now you have a fun little acting career going. You will never be Meryl Streep, but hey, good for you." That is kind of what you say to everyone who isn't Crsytal on this season. "Oh, hey look at you! Singing! And on this big show and everything. Nice job." But you're not really serious. No one will ever say "celebrated actress Milla Jovovich." Just as no one will ever say "celebrated singer Aaron Kelly." It's just not going to happen. You feel me dawgs?
So that's that. And now I am about to say the second shocking thing of this recap. You know who else kiiiiiind of fell under the category of "The Good"?
SHRIEEEEEEEK. I know. It is so horrible to say it. It is even horribler to think it, to have this wicked kernel rattling around my head. But it is, I believe, demonstrably true. Katie Stevens sang a ditty that was pretty and that feels shitty. She sang "Let It Be" and it was right in her vocal hot pocket and it sounded good. Because that is what Katie Stevens is. She is a balladeer. She should wear plumed tunics and carry a lute. The judges couldn't believe it. "Holy potato dicks!" Ellen gasped. "Great conquering shit hats!!" Simon bellowed. "Taster's Choice souvenir!" croaked Randy. They were just thunderstruck. Katie Stevens. Singing well. The mind reels. But then they collected themselves and decided to try and get her voted off, so Ellen was like "there is no wayyyy you'll be in the bottom three tomorrow." Aha! A tricky stratagem. She sang well. I hope she goes home tonight.
What exactly was that that Michael Lynche did last night? This guy is trying so hard to have Moments that he seems to forget that people are watching this and would like, maybe, to be entertained. What they would not like is seeing someone taking a gorgeous song like "Eleanor Rigby" and shooting it right in the face and then taking the exploded brain and bone and face parts and smearing them everywhere while smiling and jumping around like a giant, drunk koala bear. It just doesn't work. I don't know why he did what he did to that song, but I don't understand it. And can we talk about the jackets? Every week I feel like Michael Lynche is wearing a jacket with some kind of symbol or picture emblazoned on the back. Are they selling ad space there now? What is going on? His whole styling is such a mess. That wallet chain? What the Justin Theroux was that shit? Anyway. The judges liked it. He still pisses me off with his bad attitude, but what can ya do.
I don't even feel like there's much to go into vis a vis the sizzling hot mess that was Andrew Garcia's yellow shirt. Oh, yeah, his song was awful too, but that shirt! Holy skittles was that thing bright. And urgly. So very urgly. Oh well. He climbed his way back last week, and then he fell down again. "Can't Buy Me Love"? Really, dude? That's like the most boring, Paul Reiseryest Beatles song you can sing. No room for interpretation there. It's all "Hello mother, I am playing an American guitar, but standing perfectly straight and wearing a suit. Rock and roll, mother!"
Your Aunt Karen is starting to use the email, and she sent me a note the other day. And you know what she told me? Your cousin Phil Dweezy was feeling pretty special after his last performance on Idol Town and he wanted to, you know, keep the momentum going, but he just didn't get it right. I don't know, Auntie Karen said that he sang something about Jude Law or who knows what kinda song it was, but whatever it was Simon and Paula and Ryan really didn't like it. Karen seemed pretty worried about him so I wrote back to her and I said "Keeks? You remember when Phil was about seventeen or so and he practiced pretty hard all summer to win that guitar contest they had at the school in the fall? Well he didn't win that, Mike Doogan from over in Catasauqua did I think. But he still kept playing that guitar of his, and look at him now. He's doing real well on Idols Forever. You just remember that." So I don't know, who knows if she'll listen. She gets worried, you know. Always been a worrywart. Phil's that way too I guess. Probably something to do with the accident. Anyway, whose stuff is this all over the table? Clean it up or have your sister do it if it's hers, 'cause I'm not touching it.
Siobhan Magnus, a feather duster that has come alive and is learning human language, sat on down and did a slow croon to "Across the Universe." I don't know. I guess she sang it fine. But there's absolutely no power behind her voice. Oh sure when she's wailing and gnashing as she's wont to do she sounds Strong and Fierce and Independent, but when she's just straight up regular singing? Nothin'. And she's so overly earnest and nerdy. Something tells me that Siobhan would have been reeeeeeally annoying to go to high school with. Another bad thing about the performance was that she was wearing Miss Havisham's bondage nightgown. It was unpleasant and trying way too hard. Guys, this girl is really wearing on me.
Mirror Has Two Faces-era Barbra Streisand has decided to grow a little stubble and enter a singing competition and call herself "Casey James," which is kind of fun. She doesn't do terribly well on the show, though. Last night she sang a Beatles song no one had ever heard of that was mournful and slow and growly and it was just like, oh Barbra. The world wants "Funny Girl"! Instead we get Prince of Tides 2. Shame.
Oh poor Aaron Kelly. That raggedy fool is just a toe up ball of awkward. So gangly, so clearly Facebook friends with Dorothy. And he does this thing when he's singing where he sets his stance kind of wide (heh) and raises one hand. It's maybe a little Bieber-y? Whatever it is, it is his Singing Pose and it feels so retro. Like Backstreet Boys retro. Here's a solution to the Aaron Kelly Question. Put him in the touring company of Spring Awakening as one of the supporting kids. The director will hopefully beat that singing stance out of him and he can sing songs and do theater and meet a nice... friend. But this pop music star thing he's currently taking a stab at? No.
Timmela Urban got praise last night for singing a little-known Beatles song called "Hey Girls, Look at Me Smile." It was tailor-made for him! Because there was no guest mentor this week, before every singer sang they showed a little package wherein the other contestants provided funny details about each other that the producers had told them to provide. For most people it was like "Oh s/he's so good and has such a funny laugh. But yeah, so talented." And then they got to Tim and everyone was like "He has such a nice smile." That was it. Tim smiles. His pure-as-the-driven-snow face was chiseled out of a cheeseburger and he uses it to smiiiiile. Will he go home tonight? It's possible. The judges did employ the Praise-Heap. But we shall see.
OK. I think that's it. What'd I forget?