The Medicinal Potential of Hallucinogenic Drugs: An Assessment

The whole hallucinogens-as-medicine thing is back! Scientist are conducting very strict scientific tests on psychedelic drugs as a treatment for depression. Allow us to save the doctors some trouble. We present our own research findings on this important topic below.

LSD: This is pretty much the king of psychedelics. If you give acid to a depressed person it might totally snap them out of it but then again, there's a chance they'll freak the fuck out. Even if they do have a good experience, they'll probably sound all hippie-ish about their insights afterwards. VERDICT: Risky.

Shrooms (Psilocybin): This is like acid lite. Has a more mellow version of the trippy visuals, and less chance of getting your brain lost forever in the farthest reaches of Mindspace. Some of the huggy-type benefits of ecstasy, without the crushing depression afterwards. This 65 year-old retired psychologist was a total square and he was forced to take psilocybin in non-shroom form and he was forced to "put on an eye mask and headphones, and lay on a couch listening to classical music" while a bunch of scientist stood around, which is about the most non-gangster way to take it, and he still said it was "among the most meaningful events of his life." So you know the shit is good. VERDICT: Pretty good idea to give this to depressed people, just don't give them like, 12 shrooms.

Mescaline, Jimson weed, Ibogaine, and all that other new age shaman shit: These would probably be good for depressed people because after they throw up and then trip out hard for a few hours you can read them some Carlos Castaneda and they'll probably really take it to heart. VERDICT: Why not?

Drinking a whole bottle of cough syrup (robotrippin'): Simple test: would the subject in question rather be a depressed human, or a robot stranded on cartoon island? If the answer is "robot stranded on cartoon island," guzzling cough syrup may be a cost-effective treatment for their condition. VERDICT: If you can't get your hands on the good shit, then okay.

PCP (angel dust): Man this will fuck you up so much, you might bite somebody's face off. VERDICT: It's your funeral, doc.

[NYT. Pic via]