Starbucks Will Now Take Over AsiaS

Here in America, Starbucks has already transformed itself from a safe haven for aspirational faux-yuppies into a place for hobos to hang out. But abroad, Starbucks' slate is still clean. China and India: Starbucks is coming for your culture money.

The WSJ today details Starbucks' plans to sink its foam-encrusted fangs into the consumer-laden lands of the East, where the per capita rate of Starbucks franchises is far below that in more civilized lands like Japan and AmeriKKKa. Did you know that there is not a single Starbucks outlet in either India or Vietnam? For now. Starbucks is eying them like the defenseless prey that they are.

Did you know that Starbucks "only has 376 stores on the China mainland, compared with 878 in Japan." Not for long! "Over time there will be thousands of stores in China," says the humanoid "Schultzbot" that controls the company's fortunes. Thousands!

Also they are taking over Japan using nothing but expensive instant hobo coffee.

This is only fair, since China and India and Japan invade our culture with their cheap labor, affordable products, technological wizardry, and well-made cars. You'll all pay (too much for coffee).