On last night's gregarious gay Elvis-themed extravaganza, we American idol worshipers were treated to the mentoring stylings of what is perhaps the show's most ludicrous contestant. Adam Lambert, what's your function?
Oh wasn't it so nice to see him? I mean, yes he's dreadful and annoying, but he's also ours. He represents when, just a short season ago, there was some real competition on this show. And now it's all mud and dust, ruin and regret. Though, try as Adam did, he couldn't quite lift the show up. It remained rooted and dumb. But at least Adam was there, making us shudder and go "Gyuk-gyuk-gyukkkk" as we looked at his ill-fitting skinsuit and his general lurching gay Frankensteinism. Oh he's so fun and ridiculous!
And he was just horrible with the contestants, wasn't he? Just so delightfully awful. "Hey guys..." he whined in his wheezy, Nermal way. "I know I'm just starting out in my career..." OH HA HA, YOUR CAREER!!! Yes. Career. What part of his career is Adam Lambert at, do you think? The Katharine McPhee part, or the Chikezie Eze part? Well, OK, he's not stealing cologne just yet. But still. His Career, guys. Adam Lambert has a Career. Thinkfast: Name an Adam Lambert song! Not one he covered, but his own song! You can't do it!!! No one can! No, the name of his song isn't "Crotch Face" or "AMA Make Out," though those will probably be tracks on his next record that he will make in a mildewed basement somewhere with Blake Lewis. They'll be a musical group called Black & White, because Blake is light and Adam is the darrrrk. I'm excited for Adam's breakout solo smash "Fire Bad," in which he sings about how fire is bad and how he befriended a kindly blind man once. Blake Lewis sings the beat-boxing part of the blind man in the background, and there is the following lyric during his solo "Blake Lewis and Adam Lambert / doing their thing in a musty basement / people called me honky and they called him Glambert / I wish something rhymed with ill-fitting skinsuit" and then Adam will join in the background, singing "fire baaaaad." Like Phil Hartman on SNL. It's going to be exciting.
His Career. That's like last season when Lil' Rounds was like "Well, it was our first movie premiere," as if to imply that there would be many more movie premieres. Have any of these idiots ever watched this show before? Or followed anyone's career after they leave the show? There are never more movie premieres. Never. His Career, guys. Adam Lambert's Career. Gyuk.
Oh that was so mean! So let's say nice things about people. Who should we say nice things about... Oh, yeah I know!
Hey guess who I talked to the other day? Your Aunt Karen! Yeah, yeah she's doin' real good. You know, still got the back thing, but your Uncle Stan knows a guy over'n Butztown, chiropractor or something, says he can fix it! Anyway she was telling me about your cousin Phil Dweezy. He did real good on the Idol program the other day she said! Yeah, he was real nervous 'cause he's always like that, you know, it's just how he is, but he toughed it out, Karen said, and he did a real nice Elvis song. She said he was the best of the night, but you know your aunt, she'll say just about anything she can about her kids that makes them look good. But yeah, it is good, good for Phil, huh? Karen says she hasn't seen him that happy since that summer when he was fifteen and he went to visit your Uncle Jerry out in Flagstaff and he met that Navajo girl? Remember that? She had some Indian name but I think most people just called her Maria, and oh it was your cousin's first real big crush on a girl, he was a late bloomer, you know. Remember he came home with all that turquoise and just had that sorta dreamy look for a few weeks? They kept in touch for a while, but they were kids, so they fell out of it, you know. But for those few weeks... That's what Keeks, your Aunt Karen, told me the other day. She said "When he sang he had that Maria look, is what he had." So good for him. I wonder what that girl's doing now. You could probably find her on the internet. If her people, you know, use the computer.
Nobody else was good. Honestly. Not one other person.
Not even Crystal! Oh sure she sounded good, she always sounds good. But come on, lady. Picking an electric guitar over an acoustic one and playing it a little lower than usual is not changing it up. And that was gay Frankenstein's whole mission! He wanted you to change it up, make it fresh and funky, like his upcoming single with Blake Lewis, "Beatbox In a Box (Song From the Basement)." I know that Crystal might not need to change it up, that this sort of Etheridgey bar rock might just be what she does, but lady you are on a television program that's meant to entertain us. As mentioned above, this is likely not going to turn into some huge career for you, so just do different fun things and make us happy! Do a rap, do a jig, sing opera. Don't just sing the same song over and over and over again. Especially when it's something as toothless and boring as an Elvis song. Ah well.
You know what was annoying? And don't jump all over me for saying this, but like... I know they were out of time and all, but didn't there seem something a little bit head-scratchy about Big Mike wheeling out the song about "the ghettoooo" and then everyone being kind of scared to say anything critical, lest they be viewed as the asshole who criticized how the black guy sang the song about the ghettooooo? I'm a terrible conspiracy theorist, but it seemed really calculated on Mike's part, in kind of a gross way. At one point he actually beat his chest with his fist. And again I ask, where is this triumphant Mike narrative coming from? It was entirely made up, from whole cloth. I know for a fact that he was just a wannabe singer dude who lived in Queens and hung out and watched American Idol. That's what he did. He wasn't in the ghettooo or like feeding small children in Iraq. But he sings a song about the ghettoooo and there it is. People believe it. It's like when that dimbulb girl from a season or two ago sang "Proud to Be an American" when she was scared of getting voted off. Oop, there ya go, turn the gears of America's dumb, fried minds. "That purty white girl said America!" boop blorrrp booop (that's what it sounds like when you vote on American Idol). "That kindly black fella sang about the ghetto, where he must be from, because he is black." berrp beeeemp blooorm (that's what it sounds like when you vote for Big Mike). It's just off. Maybe I'm being horribly cynical. I'm sorry. Boooop.
WHO ELSE. Oh god, Andrew Garcia. Can we seriously just put him in a hope chest and float him out to sea or something? I am just done. HOUND DOG?? You're gonna sing HOUND DOG???! I didn't think Andrew could make a more boring choice after last week's "Can't Buy Me Love," but then he went and did it. Perhaps the most overplayed song in the American early-rock canon. "Hound Dog," a song by Elvis Presley. Nice work, Andrew! Have a good car ride home. There's no way he can survive that mess, is there?
I figured out Siobhan. She's not some cute shy nerd who is actually really sweet and funny when you get to know her. No, when you get to know Siobhan Magnus, it turns out that she's a single-minded, disgustingly hungry climber who isn't talking to you because she doesn't think you're worth it. She's one of those mean, arrogant nerds. Which, duh, is the worst kind. I hate the way she takes criticism on this show, all petulant and defiant. Look, kiddo, you sucked. You cannot sing a regular note to save your life, there is absolutely nothing behind your voice unless you are shrieking and wailing. Ugh. I've completely soured on her. Send her home.
Nothing about Katie Stevens bears mentioning, ever.
Wee Wee Wee
There was some cosmic shit going on between Adam and Tim Urban during their little coaching sesh last night. Adam was sending out humping vibes from his irradiated body pelt, but Tim wasn't really picking up on it. Or if he was, he was playing a good game of country mouse about it. Tim is a shaved teen werewolf, was the consensus with my viewing party last night. He even looks a little like Michael J. Fox! And he has those dagger-like teeth that look like fangs. And the shaggy hair. Shaved teen werewolf. But anyway, how'd he sing? Ohh, ha. You know. He sang that "I can't help falling in love with you" song, so the Idol stage manager wearily walked to the break room and was like "I'm gonna put on another pot of coffee for all that cream." Yeah, the girls will love it. Whether they'll love it enough remains to be seen, obvs. He didn't fuck it up really, but he is still totally awful. I love how he has absolutely zero style. None whatsoever. At the end of the song he was like "I can't help falling in love with..." DEAD FUCKING PAUSE ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY SPACESHIPS ARE GETTING SUCKED INTO THIS BLACK HOLE OF NO SOUND OR BREATH OR ANYTHING REMOTELY MUSICAL "...you." This blunt, choppy "you." After all that buildup! He is really a dreadful performer. But he looks like a chocolate chip cookie came to life and grew boymuscles, so he prevails.
Heh. I kind of wish that Aaron Kelly's training session with Lambert had turned into a wild acid rock musical. Adam takes one look at poor little Aaron there with his spiky gelled baby bird fuzz hair, and issues a loud, long screech "Ayeeeeeaahhhhhhh, let me tell you a tale of a place called Wonder / a sparkly land full of fun and thunder..." And then it just continues like that. It certainly would have been wayyy more interesting than Aaron Kelly coming out with his little hip-hop hipster jacket and singing "Blue Suede Shoes." Be-bop, be-bop, be-bop the little mole creature went softly across the stage, blinking his light-starved eyes as things took shape, as this new bright world announced itself. Be-bop, be-bop, be-bop. Blue shoes. Made of suede. A wind blew by and on it we heard a whisper, "Aaron Kelly...." followed soon after by a loud Lambert shriek.
I swear by the wilds of Kara's inexplicable hair (seriously Kara, what is happening there? are you OK? is something going on at home? because... damn) that this will be the last we see of Andrew Garcia. I think he's dunzo. I also think that this will be Katie Stevens' week to go home. She done. She boring. She got nasty shoes, always. It'd be really fun if Big Mike was sent back to
the ghettooo Astoria, Queens. But I doubt that'll happen. And who knows, maybe the goils aren't falling for Timmy's charms anymore. The judges tried really hard to puff him up with praise and make him vulnerable, so maybe the girls figured they don't have to vote for him anymore. Though wouldn't they want to? Wouldn't pressing the numbers (click click click, texts make no sound) give them some strange satisfaction? ("You want coffee with that?") 'Tis mystery.
OK. What'd I forget? Something egregious, I'm sure.
OH HA, I REMEMBERED. Casey Johnson. He sang something, I assume? I seriously never remember anything about him. Was he good?