America, Meet Your New Jackie O.

She's a Brit! Also today: The Onion keeps branching out, some news about movie festivals, Martin Scorsese will now be in 3D, and another TV remake.

Comedy writers the nation over clenched their butts and gasped when they heard that The Onion had a second comedy pilot picked up by Comedy Central. Could this be my chance, let me email that agent I know!, they thought. But then they saw that it was based on the Onion's sports stuff and they were like, oh, too bad. Stupid sports. [THR]

Oh here we go. Martin Scorsese is the latest director to be tempted by the siren call of 3D, and will probably be dashed on the rocks for heeding it. He's going to use the new technology for his upcoming The Invention of Hugo Cabret, which is "set in 1930s Paris and centers on a 12-year-old orphan who must solve the mystery of a broken robot." Yes. That sounds like it really needs 3D. Did you guys ever think that you'd ever see a movie about a robot falling in love with an orphan in 1930s Paris? Or that Martin Scorsese would be directing that movie? Or that it would be in 3D? Isn't life exciting! [Variety]

You know who I think of when I think about the word "funny"? Sophia Bush. Yeah, the brown-haired girl from that dimly lit show One Tree Hill, about... Well, no one knows what that show is about. Not even the writers. But yeah, Sophia Bush. Laugh riot. Fitting then that she's been cast in a comedy pilot with Don Johnson and Mary Steenburgen in which she plays an Ivy League grad who returns home to Texas to pursue an old boyfriend. The title of this pilot? Southern Discomfort. Why that's almost as funny as Sophia Bush. [THR]

Some movies have been added to the Cannes lineup! There is Alejandro Inarritu's Biutiful with Javier Bardem. The latest wistful comedy from Mike Leigh, Another Year. And very likely a movie from Doug Liman (him?) called Fair Game, in which Naomi Watts plays Valerie Plame and her 21 Grams costar Sean Penn plays her husband, Scooter Libby. (That's how that story went, right?) Still no word on the much anticipated Terrence Malick picture, Tree of Life. You just gotta let Terry take his time, guys. He'll get there. [Variety]

Hahaha. Breaking: Tribeca Film Festival officially becomes irrelevant. Guess who's on the jury this year? Jessica Alba! Yay! She knows so much about good film. I mean, just look at Good Luck Chuck. That's some fine cinema there. She's a brilliant comedienne. Alicia Keys is on the jury too, because she was so good in Smokin' Aces and The Secret Life of Bees That Is Still a Secret Because No One Saw That Movie. Well chosen, Tribeca! [THR]

Rachel Weisz has been chosen to play Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, the greatest woman that ever lived, in the new film Jackie. It's about the days immediately after her husband was assassinated in Dallas. So kind of the American version of The Queen, maybe? It's being directed by Weisz's luckiest-man-alive husband, Darren Aronofsky. One hopes that Jackie will travel around in a magic space bubble like Hugh Jackman in The Fountain. I mean, it would be historically accurate. [EW]

They're making The Man from U.N.C.L.E. into a movie. Your horrible, horrible prayers have been answered, you monster. [THR]

American Idol music director Rickey Minor has signed on to be the replacement Kevin Eubanks on The Tonight Show. Yay! Hanging out with Jay Leno and pretending to laugh at his dumb jokes five days a week. The dream gig for any musician. [THR]