It's official: Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, frozen burrito heir and terrible baseball player Doug Reinhardt! Well, you know what they say about B-list celebrity splits: they happen in fours.
Alas, Paris and Doug are no longer together, and the Duchy of Frozen Burrito and the Kingdom of Hilton will never be united under the same crown. But theirs is hardly the only fairy-tale romance to meet a Hans Christian Andersen-style everyone-dies end this week. In the wake of Tiger and Sandy it can be hard to keep all of that break-up info straight, so we've created a helpful cheat sheet to assist you.
The Hottie and the Minor Leaguer
B-List Celebrity: Paris Hilton
D-List Significant Other: Doug Reinhardt
Length of Relationship: Two years.
Who broke it off? Paris (duh).
Juicy Gossip: Paris is already partying with Reggie Bush in Las Vegas.
Chance of Reconciliation: Even. They've split up once before.
The Guitar-Playing Lesbian and the Other Lesbian
B-List Celebrity: Melissa Etheridge
D-List Significant Other: Tammy Lynn Michaels
Length of Relationship: Nine years.
Who broke it off? Unclear.
Juicy Gossip:There is no gossip about Melissa Etheridge. Ever.
Chance of Reconciliation: 3-1. Breaking up after nine years takes effort, but kids are involved.
The Old Guy and the Old Guy's Wife
B-List Celebrity: Larry King
D-List Significant Other: Shawn Southwick
Length of Relationship: 13 years.
Who broke it off? Southwick, apparently because Larry was banging her sister.
Juicy Gossip: Besides the sister-in-law angle? Apparently, King and Southwick didn't have a pre-nup.
Chance of Reconciliation: 3-2. On the one hand, he did it with her sister. On the other, she married Larry King in the first place.
Braveheart and This Russian Girl We Assume Is A Model Or Something
B-List Celebrity: Mel Gibson (in this case "B" stands for "bigot" or "banti-bemite")
D-List Significant Other: Oksana Grigorieva
Length of Relationship: One year.
Who Broke It Off? "A friend" says "they just drifted apart," so Oksana.
Juicy Gossip: It's hard to add more "juice" to the story of 54-year-old Mel Gibson leaving his wife of thirty years for a Russian "musician," having a baby with her six months later, and then breaking up with her six months after that.
Chance of Reconciliation 9-1. Not gonna happen.