The Torturing of Kirsten Dunst

She's about to embark on a very difficult ordeal. Also today: a TV favorite gets a new role, the latest Zac Efron project sounds dangerous, theater news both exciting and terrifying, and bad news for Patton Oswalt.

Oh, here's... Here's some news. They (always they, mysterious they) are planning on making a stage musical version of Dances With Wolves. I suppose because nothing says sweeping vistas quite like a confined stage in the middle of midtown Manhattan. Maybe they'll do Lion King-esque puppets? All we do know is that this means that in a few years, James Cameron will announce an Avatar musical and everyone will ooh and aah for a second and then wise up and say, "Hey, wait a minute!" [Variety]

An enchanted seahorse named Zac Efron keeps getting cast in movies, even though he is just a seahorse and can't speak human language! Oh well! Today's news is that he will play an ambitious kid who starts doing some money running for a drug dealer in a remake of a hit Swedish film. This is Efron's tough movie. We were really hoping he'd go for the hooker with the heart of gold Tough Movie rather than the whippety kid caught up with criminals Tough Movie, but oh well. [THR]

Uh oh, more theatre news. You know Daniel Radcliffe, from the Harry Potter? Remember that one time you saw him naaaaaked in that boring play for gay jerks, Equus? Well apparently he liked the theatah so much that he's headed back. Namely, he'll star in a Broadway revival of How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. You know who starred in a revival of that back in the '90s? John Stamos. Daniel's got a Stamos trajectory! A Staaaamos trajectory! [EW]

Walking paycheck Samuel L. Jackson and walking muscle-sack Kellan Lutz are in talks to costar in an "indie action movie" called Deathgames. It's about Lutz getting kidnapped and forced into fighting in a secret modern gladiatorial arena, which is all overseen by Jackson, who lives hidden somewhere in a computer-filled bunker and is attended to by a pair of sex slaves. That actually is what it's about. I know two people who should give their agents raises... [HeatVision]

Patton Oswalt just got cast in that Matthew Broderick comedy pilot Beach Lane, but now he's already out. Apparently he went to a table read and it just didn't work out and that's it. This comes just after his Broadway debut was canceled when the show's lead, Megan Mullaly, pulled out for mysterious reasons. Basically the guy's having a pretty shitty April. [EW]

Yikes. Kirsten Dunst is the latest actress to get ensnared in Danish director Lars von Trier's horrifying web of lady-horrors. She's agreed to star in his next picture, Melancholia. One can only hope that the film — costarring the bizarre group of Kiefer Sutherland, both Alexander and Stellan Skarsgård, and Charlotte Rampling — is based on a Smashing Pumpkins album or something. Dunst takes the role after its original star, Penelope Cruz, dropped out to do Pirates of the Caribbean 4. (Ha, talk about a study in opposites.) But I suspect that was just her official reason. In reality, she finally got around to watching some of his movies and was like "Oh helllll no," and immediately called her agent and said "Get me off this thing, I don't care how. Yes, I'll do the damn pirates movie. Please just don't let that horrible man anywhere near me." Good luck, Kirsten. [Deadline]

The delightful Michelle Forbes — nerd queen of Battlestar Galactica and True Blood — has been cast in that AMC pilot The Killers. She'll play the mother of a murder victim. So... not exactly fun like True Blood was, but certainly a challenge! I'm increasingly hoping this show gets picked up. And, you know, that it's good. [THR]