With a tap of Zooey Deschanel's tambourine and a flash of Eli-Peaches PDA, begins Coachella, the California music festival where, every year, starlets muss up their hair and don frayed denim with the hope of landing an indie rock boyfriend.
1. Befriend party photographers
Between Eli Roth's burly butt pics and Peaches Geldof's naked sex ones, this pair knows the power—and peril—of a well-timed photo op. After all, if a tree looks cool in a forest and nobody is there to photograph it, tweet it, and post it on Facebook, you may as well raze the whole damn rainforest because we'll all be dead before global warming matters, anyway. The Cobra Snake, party photographer to the young and vacant-eyed, battles global warming with this tweet. [Image via @thecobrasnake]
2. Welcome, then dismiss, attention
Coolness requires effortlessness—a quality frequently at odds with fame. Thus you must, at turns, court and banish attention. Model Agyness Deyn demonstrates here. After a carefree dance session with friends, she hides behind a dramatic mask (Siouxsie Sioux?) thereby requiring attention be paid to her desire to avoid attention. Agyness is a study in the art of cool paradox: See the stark buzz cut that frames her lovely face. See the ballerina dress she pairs with combat boots—and the whimsical turquoise shoelaces therein. [Image: Splash]
3. Let your quilted Chanel purse get muddy.
Cool people are immune to inconvenience, and rich people don't mind ruining expensive things. Which is why wearing an impractical outfit and carrying a fancy purse—as both Kelly Osbourne and Whitney Port are doing here—at Coachella is so very. It's the high-low sex appeal of the scenester heiresses: She wears mink stoles like they're American Apparel sweatshirts, Chanel with sweaty sports bras. Don't make me make the pearl necklace anal bead joke. [Images: Splash]
4. Hold hands with incognito celebrities.
Anne Hathaway and the Technicolor Muumuu just made this bright-eyed lad the king of Coachella. The less your starlet wants to be photographed, the cooler you are—because it means she actually likes you, as opposed to likes-you-for-photo-ops. The ugliness of Annie's boots suggest she really, really likes this guy. Luckily, a crafty paparazzo snapped a pic anyway, so there is evidence of his triumph—sparse, cool evidence. [Image: Splash]
5. You can hold hands with someone uncool if your outfit is super cool
Look, it's Peaches Geldof and an elderly chaperone in orthopedic shoes and walking shorts. Wait, no, it's Eli Roth, yawning like a grandpa. This is acceptable because Peaches is frightfully young (or acts that way, at least) and her denim cutoffs are extra-short today. [Image: Pacific Coast News]
6. Fear not weird tanlines.
You know how rock stars do lots of drugs and live unsustainable, always-in-the-moment lives? The starlet version is wearing an outfit that gives you weird tanlines, because it's like, "Fuck yeah, I'm having a great time in this crocheted dress! I don't even care if I'm puffy-eyed and stripey-tanned tomorrow! Whoo sunbeams, I'm gonna snort you off God's ass!" In other news, Kate Bosworth looks a little Elin Nordegren-ish here, doesn't she? [Image: Splash]
7. Fear not calories.
This is applicable to the world outside Coachella, too. Pixie Geldof recently stole sister Peaches' trophy as Britain's Next Top Fauxcialite Model, and she will eat pizza anyway. And she will enjoy it, as she ought. OK, fine, if it's a cynical gloss you want, it's a cynical gloss you'll get: "Girls who work hard to look this good are strivers; girls who get paid to exist in charmed states (be they genetic or nepotistic) are naturally gifted." There. [Image: Pacific Coast News]
8. Wave your hands in the air like you don't care.
At Jay-Z's concert, we see several versions of letting loose. Here, Solange Knowles gets her groove on in a cheerfully mismatched outfit. She looks like she's having fun, and not afraid to do dance moves that look like a waiting-for-the-bathroom dance. [Image: Splash]
9. If you're not a dancer, make a pensive 'listening' face.
Also at Jay-Z's concert, Maria Shriver stands demurely beside Beyonce. (The first lady of California accompanied one of her daughters to the show.) Her hair is down, she's in comfy clothes, and there are no parking cops in sight. Relaxed, cucumber-cool, and serious about "the music," which is what it's "all about," anyway. [Image: Splash]
10. Sunglasses cover a multitude of sins.
Dita von Teese at an outdoor music festival? The transformative power of this outfit is a feat, and should be studied. The sunglasses are what really make it—we can't see her cringing when she steps in mud. Katy Perry, on the other hand, hides the giant question marks in her eyes when other musicians talk about strange, bewildering concepts like "art," or "how are you going to sit down in that skirt?" [Images: Pacific Coast News]
11. Don't be John Mayer
Sorry, John. All you can do at this point is sit tight and wait for everyone to forget who you are. Or fake your death, steal a new identity, and get a new face, drug kingpin-style. You're degrading fellow cool person Agyness Deyn's coolness just by talking to her. If only Agyness was cool enough to throw a Mayer stink-eye as severe as this lady's. [Image: Pacific Coast News]