Magazines are in trouble. Fashion is expensive, but we're broke. Americans aren't as purty as the celebrities are. Not to worry, impoverished unattractive celebrity-worshiping American magazine consumers! A magazine just for you is a wild success.

The magazine industry does not have many success stories these days, but do you know what one of those few success stories is? People StyleWatch, the nominal "style" magazine for poor slobs such as yourself. Circulation is up 9%! Ad pages are up nearly 25%! What's their secret? No fancy fashion shoots! No super expensive clothes! No real "editorial" content! Just page after page of paparazzi pics of your fave celebs wearing cheap clothes even you can afford, loser! "Readers" cannot get enough of "reading" every issue!

Still, readers spend an average of 93 minutes with the magazine, something of a feat, since it has few long sentences in it.

"The few times we've done longer pieces, something on trying a trend that went on for two pages, it just didn't resonate," Ms. Kaufman said.

A successful formula remarkably similar to our own! All the clothes in today's issue of Gawker can be found in your local dumpster.