Who Needs Fake Boobs When You Have Photoshop?S

Sharon Osbourne is getting her implants removed, but long-time pancake-chest Kate Hudson sized up. Females are either returning to a natural state, or evolving into a half-silicone half-human cyborg race. Which is it? A report on the State of Breasts.

On one hand, super-plastics like Heidi Montag and Amy Winehouse have had so much blowback (and in Amy's case, leaks) that the New York Post's Sara Stewart predicts the death of the fake boobs. Pirates of the Caribbean 4 reportedly banned silicone from its set. (Unless they were only banning it in fit models. Nobody really figured it out.) One casting director said this:

"I think the ‘Pirates' story is indicative of a larger trend in Hollywood ... Large implants, in my opinion, take the projects and the actors to a sleazier level," she says. "They become a joke."

And another, who recently cast an entire "implant-free" cast—featuring three whole women whose breasts were natural!—said this:

"If you're talented, let your talent speak for you," says Roth, who has offices in New York and LA.

He and everyone around him promptly burst into laughter. As if an aspiring star's talent could exist separate from her appearance, be it good or bad. For all the flack she gets, Heidi Montag still has a mainstream career based primarily on the way she looks. Unlike plastic surgery freaks of yore like Jocelyn Wildenstein of Amanda Lepore, who were always at the fringe, heavily plastic bodies now achieve a type of physical appeal comparable to natural bodies. Compare Heidi's career, for instance, to Kim Kardashian's.

If fake boobs fall out of fashion, it won't be because we finally learned to stop being superficial. It'll be because superficiality demands something different. Here are more realistic scenarios for the death of fake boobs:

  • Reality TV Scares Us Straight In the endless Schadenfreude cycle of reality television, we finally learn to identify exploding implants and jack-o-lantern boobs as trashy. Just as Jersey Shore forced America to near-universal consensus that Ed Hardy should not be worn in public, reality television may some day convince us that implants are low-class, in which case the pursuit of superficial indicators of class will negate the upward creep of cup sizes. Related: Obesity backlash drives people to abandon anything that increases body mass.
  • HD TV necessitates the kind of bounce technology only God can engineer.
  • Amateur Porn Proliferation Tips Scale User-generated media means we get used to looking at natural and imperfect people, and even find them appealing sometimes.
  • Photoshop Is Enough Who needs plastic surgery when you have Photoshop? Imagine a world where all communication is digital. Right before we seal ourselves into hermetic pods with 3D simu-life holo-casts on the walls, we realize imperfections are easily fixed via digital intervention in the one medium that matters: Facebook photo albums.

But, c'mon. At our core we're vain creatures that cannot resist the urge to self-improve and the siren call of synthetic intervention. Also, BOOBS. A tidal wave hybridized half-human half-silicone monsters looms. I just want to know what we should call them. The Daily Beast's Rebecca Dana favors "fembots." Here are more suggestions:

  • Silicone cyborgs
  • Frankentits
  • Restyladies
  • Conflatable Dolls
  • Boobzillas
  • Feignmales