This morning, Howard Stern challenged Fox News' Megyn Kelly, host of American Live, to play Marry, Fuck, Kill with a triumvirate of Fox News blowhards: Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
- Marry: Hannity. "He's probably got the most dough and he's youngest."
- Fuck: O'Reilly. "He wrote a book that had some saucy sex scenes in there."
- Kill: Glenn Beck, by default.
As cognitively disrupting as it is to entertain this, I actually think she's right. You have to kill Glenn Beck, because he's too annoying to be around long enough for an orgasm, much less a lifetime of holy matrimony. (Mormons typically don't divorce.) The other two require disaster mitigation: Hannity strikes me as more likely to crumble under peer pressure, which makes him better marriage material, because you'd be able to push him around. Though fucking Bill O'Reilly is a fate I wish upon nobody—particularly falafel-afflicted underlings—he'd probably say or do something weird/funny, and you'd get a good story out of it.
Here are few more Marry, Fuck, Kill scenarios, listed with my picks.
The Fox & Friends Trio of Terror
- Gretchen Carlson: Marry. She's relatively harmless, and remember the time Jon Stewart proved she's secretly smart?
- Brian Kilmeade: Fuck. You can't marry him because he's kind of racist and has blindspots in his brain—which may be why he's kind of racist, come to think of it. But look how adroit he is with his face trapped in a man's crotch!
- Steve Doocy: Kill.
The Guest Panel of Star-Studded Stupor
- Mike Huckabee: Marry. He has a sense of humor, which should help you deal with the back-to-the-Stone-Age religiosity.
- Sarah Palin: Fuck. She's the youngest of the three, and pretty.
- Bill Kristol: Kill.
The Blessedly Good-Looking Trinity of 'As Long As They Don't Talk…'
- Shep Smith: Marry. If you can get over the spray tan he's kind of dreamy, and the voice doesn't hurt.
- Kimberly Guilfoyle: Fuck. She used to be a Victoria's Secret model. It'd be a Gavin Newsom sloppy second, but he's always had good taste in women, although too much appetite.
- Michelle Malkin: Kill.