New Hardcore Food Network Channel Will Be Vortex of Animal DeathS

Finally! A food channel for people who realize food is as much about chaos and death as it is about overweight southern ladies endlessly chattering. The new Cooking Channel is to the Food Network what Ultimate Fighting is to WWF.

The Food Network is calling it the "Cooking Channel," and the Times says it's a package of "low-key programs targeted at a hipper crowd interested in the grass roots of food culture." But, really, it's aiming to get in touch with that bloodthirsty foodie who wants to hear gristle crack and tendons snap—one who, given the chance, would wield the mallet himself to deliver a poor chicken into death's gaping maw:

Michael Smith, the general manager of the Cooking Channel, vowed to not shy away from moments more vivid than one might see on the well-scrubbed set of "Everyday Italian" with Giada De Laurentiis, a Food Network staple.

"Someone sent over a demo for a potential show where you could see they were breaking chickens' necks in a restaurant," Mr. Smith said. "I do think we would do that on the Cooking Channel."

Bam! Snap! Whimper! Die!

It's not on the line up, but we'd like to suggest Abbatoir Boss about a team of tough-talking Brooklyn butchers who snipe at each other while hacking limbs off pigs. Of course, the Supreme Court just affirmed our right to tape animal torture. So why not Foie Gras Girls about three sisters learning the business of force-feeding geese while trying to find love in Vermont's Northeast Kingdom?

(By the way, it looks like laid off Styles writer Allen Salkinis back in with the Times, in some capacity. Congrats!)