Last night's episode of the worst television show ever made was all about love. Love and fighting. Horrible fighting in basements.
Paul Johnson Calderon
Love continues to be in the air for our wee society cricket. He is dating the model boy and he is dating him so hard that he took him to go meet his mom. His mom was cute and nice and approved of the modelman, but asked him embarrassing questions about his age and his "gay fashion gene." Oh well. The model took it in stride and then he went and modeled off to go do modely things, leaving PJC and Ma JC by their lonesomes. PJC said that he was supes serious about the model, whose name neither he nor anyone else knows, and that he'll need lots of money to really show the model how serious he is. You know, because he has to take him to the Maldives and Paris and Milan and Buffalo and Biarritz and Sault Ste. Marie and Gstaad and Crescent City and the Bennigan's. Plus, when he inevitably marries the model he'll want a wedding that costs at least $500,000. That is an actual monetary figure that he quoted on the show last night. A half a million dollar wedding. His mom's eyes did swirly-cues in her head and PJC just sat there in his little bowtie, the fanciest cricket the world had ever seen. Later PJC brought model to a party for some website and said that "everyone who's anyone" was going to be there. Yes, to the reality show website party. Everyone, anyone.
Oh poor sad old Dale pulled up the hosiery and put on some rouge and did a quiet preparatory Lindy by herself and went off to have a date with a real nice fella. He came by aeroplane all the way from Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Imagine that. The pair went for a stagecoach ride in Central Park, New York City and gabbed about love and laughter and family and friendship. Dale didn't know anything about this mysterious Meal-wah-kay, so she let the king of Wisconsin tell her all about his glittering capital city. He told her that there were lots of imm'grunts, from Itlee and Fancy-France and Krautland. "Oh I don't like the Germans," Dale said with a shiver. King Madison chuckled, his gouty jowls heaving. "Well I'm German!!" he declared. Dale smiled, embarrassed, and said "Oh it's just that my daughter is dating a German prince." She really does hate Prince Cashmere but she really does love saying that her daughter dates a prince, doesn't she? Anyhoo, their dissection of various nationalities finished (Prussians: bad. Persians: even worse), they got out of the carriage and took a constitutional around the park. They held hands and Dale tittered and felt giddy and swoony and King Kenosha took her hand and before she knew it they were pressing their lips together in some hideous old person semblance of a kiss, and we all choked and vomited because old people are not supposed to have love or intimacy, we are to spend our final years on earth lonely and sexless and miserable. But whatever. Good for Dale. After the date was over she did another Lindy Hop, only this one was happy and was on top of a flagpole. After that scene we got the news reel, then the b feature, than the feature feature and then we took a trolley car home. All for a quarter!
Malik the Sheik
While Dale and King Ralph were taking a turn about the park, you could see crazy inventor-scientist Malik the Shiek testing his new autocopter, puttering by against the periwinkle sky. He wore goggles and a scarf, and he disappeared on the horizon. A short while later there was a loud crash.
Tinsley had so much to do in this episode! A new boy, a new dress, an old party. She just had to write something in her diary about it.
O what a week it has been, diary! First I started thinking all about Topper, who was my boy friend for a while until we got cross at each other and he stomped away and said "No more, Tinsley! No more!" So we didn't talk for a long long time because I think we were still cross at each other but now that it has been a long long time I think we aren't cross anymore and are ready to be friends, girl and boy, together again. So he sends me hellos on my Momma Machine, which I didn't know you could do because Momma said "This phone can only be used to call me, who else do you need to call?" And she was right, I don't need to call anybody. Just Momma. Only maybe now I need to call Topper.
So, diary, my head was all full of spiders or crabs or other little things that walk around and say "gnaw gnaw gnaw" because I just couldn't figure out what to do about Topper! Luckily Momma came over to help me look at fashions and even though I didn't tell her about my Topper Feelings, she made me feel better anyway. She patted my head and said "Ssshh, sshh Tinsley. Sshhh sshhh Tinsley." And then she asked if I wanted to move to Wisconsin and I said that I'd never been to outerspace before and she laughed kind of strangely and looked at me with her mysterious Momma eyes and she said "Well, at least you're pretty." Which I think is a nice thing for Momma to say to me.
And then I was so worried about Topper that I didn't even notice that I was meeting a new boy friend! His name is Constantly and he was on America Bibles, a television singing show that my old housekeeper Guadalupe used to watch when she lived here. She would say "Oh I loff this Yason Castro. Ees so coot!" I don't remember what she said about Constantly, but some people sure did like him. He's now in a school play at Broadway and it's about rock and roll people who sing songs, just like on the show. He is very nice and has long lady hair and wears lots of black! And he sang nicely in the play though it was very, very loud. After the play was over I went to his room in the theater and we talked about makeup and I sang him a song I remembered from the play and he laughed kind of strangely and looked at me with his funny Constantly eyes and he said "Well, at least you're pretty." Everyone was being so nice!
At the end it was time to go to a party in a scary basement that a computer was having. I think it was the computer's birthday. When we got there I didn't see any computers but I did see a girl named Remora Rose who is friends with the computer and doesn't like me and says mean things about me to newspaper people. So I walked up to her and I said "I don't like your tone of voice, young lady!" and she gulped and somewhere there was scary music and then someone said "OK stop it and we will finish it next week!" So I just sort of stood there for a while and eventually I fell asleep standing up, like the horseys in the country do.
And when I was asleep I had a dream and in it I didn't have to worry about boy friends or anything. We were all friends and we were happy and everyone kept saying "At least you're pretty!" At least, at least, at least!
At least you're wonderful, diary. At least I will miss you until I write in you again. Next week it might be the last time. At least!