Last night was football night and magazine night in America! New York hosted both the National Magazine Awards and the first round of the NFL Draft. Which one was better? Which was more embarrassing? Which had Anna Wintour?
The National Magazine Awards (also known as "The Ellies," for "L" which stands for "Loser") went head-to-head with the NFL Draft's first round, forcing literally dozens of Americans to choose which to pay half-hearted attention to on Twitter. But which truly captured the heart and soul of literate, football-obsessed America? We've compared the two using the scientific method:
Ellies: Brooke Shields, the ginger from Lost, Tom Papa of The Marriage Ref.
NFL Draft: Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor, Dan Marino.
Advantage: NFL Draft wins via the "Tom Papa Rule," which is that Tom Papa always loses.
Ellies: Glamour takes home Magazine of the Year.
NFL Draft: The St. Louis Rams name Oklahoma Sooner Sam Bradford with the first pick of the first round.
Advantage: Ellies. Glamour's win is a big upset because its title is misspelled.
"What Were They Thinking?" Moment
Ellies: Men's Health, also known as SIX-PACK ABS: THE MAGAZINE, picked up the award for General Excellence in the POWER UP YOUR DIET category, despite using the same cover for every goddamn issue.
NFL Draft: The Denver Broncos gave up picks in the second, third and fourth rounds to choose near-abortion and famed mom-tackler Tim Tebow at 25, despite the fact that he is very annoying to hear speak, always.
Advantage: Draw, because I don't want to have to think about either Men's Health or Tim Tebow any longer than I have to.
The Big Winner
Ellies: New York Magazine took home four awards, one of which was for an article about foreskins, which is just, like, come on, ASME.
NFL Draft: The Detroit Lions, who are still technically a football team, but barely, snagged two picks in the first round: Defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh and running back Jahvid Best.
Advantage: NFL Draft, because, you know, the foreskin thing.
Advantage: NFL Draft.
The Winner: The NFL Draft!