Mean Feds Crack Down on Hippie School's Annual Drug-Taking FestivalS

Hippie school Reed College—my alma mater!—is in the news. Why? Because the Feds have cracked down on their end-of-the-year "Renn Fayre" celebration. They're sending in undercover cops to bust the drug-laced festivities. (And maybe play some human chess.)

Each year, Reed College, located in the bosom of Portland Oregon, holds the adorably-named three-day festival on campus. It is a celebration of a year of hard work, filled with wacky games, over-sized slip-and-slides, motorized couches, a bug eating contest and copious amounts of exotic drugs. Think of it as equal parts Burning Man, Woodstock, Williamsburg and some late-90s rave-type thing.

Usually, the school seals of the campus so students can gaze at the pretty lights in peace. But now the mean old squares at the U.S. Attorney's office told the college president he had to "shut down illegal drug use on campus". So at Renn Fayre next weekend undercover cops will be patrolling the place and everything! (If someone asks if you have any "grass," you should probably say no.) In response, college president Colin Diver sent the following email to the student body:

My message regarding drug use at Renn Fayre 2010 is very simple: do not use illegal drugs. That means no marijuana, hallucinogens, designer drugs, cocaine, amphetamines, opiates, or other illegal substances.

How oddly... specific. The Feds warned that Reed could lose federal funding if they spotted anyone doing massive bong rips. Which means they will very likely lose their federal funding. (Luckily they already kicked out all the poor people.) If it's any solace for you Reedies, they don't let you take drugs in public in the real world, either. Might as well start drinking.

Full disclosure: I really did get an excellent education at Reed College and would highly recommend it to anyone! There aren't actually that many drugs there.