Why Lindsay Quit the Club Scene—and Other Mysteries, Solved!

It involves a violent Samantha Ronson confrontation. Sandra Bullock gets a mistress apology. Marc Jacobs breaks up with his boytoy. Bret Michael remains in the ICU. Mariah isn't preggers. Monday's gossip roundup has all the answers.

  • Lindsay Lohan's Twitter rant about being "done with the club scene" after a "glimpse of reality" finally makes sense: LA club Trousdale banned her after she flung a drink at ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, who was deejaying, which sort of makes her a Trousdale employee, ergo, do-not-fuck-with territory. "Lindsay stormed over and threw a glass at her head. Glass flew everywhere, and Samantha looked really shaken up." Another version has Lindsay storming up to Sam "like a bat out of hell." Trousdale's owner apparently kicked LiLo out and banned her forever. Exhibit A: SamRo's tweet about it. Exhibit B: LiLo's still pissed at SamRo, cause unknown. But the real mystery is what force of nature is necessary to make Lindsay's "I quit!" schtick stick. [P6, E!, image via Pacific Coast News]

  • Speaking of LiLo, here's what one "former close friend" has to say: "lost cause." Kate Major, is that you? [TMZ]

  • May the rainbow flags fly at half-mast today: Gay power couple Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone—nudists, oversharers, and fashion-world darlings—have broken up. Unless, of course, this is like the time they got married and floated so many contradictory rumors nobody could keep track and we eventually all stopped caring. Overexposure is the "no comment"? [P6]

  • Jesse James mistress #2 faxed Sandra Bullock's agent an apology letter. Point of query: What does it mean that only one Jesse James mistress has any level of name recognition? I know at least five of Tiger's mistresses by name. Is this a Jesse James: Win or a Jesse James: Fail? [TMZ]

  • J-Woww and Snooki squeezed each others' tits in public. [TMZ]

  • Age-different romance enthusiast Michael Douglas seduced multiple 30-year-old friends of his mother when he was 16. He doesn't mind telling the story because "they're probably all dead by now." Someday, Catherine Zeta-Jones will say that about you. [E!]

  • Bret Michaels is still in the ICU, "under 24 hour surveillance" after Friday's massive brain hemorrhage. Apparently the headache that prompted Michaels' call for an ambulance felt like being "hit in the head with a baseball bat." The headache remains through his sedation. [Facebook, People]

  • High Society racist Jules Kirby "won't even be in the same space where [castmate Devorah] Rose has breathed the air." This Page Six item is ostensibly about Jules canceling a charity event because of some tertiary Devorah connection (whatever, we all know she hates helping children) but really, the best part is a reference to Tinsley Mortimer nemesis Devorah's "less recognizable girlfriends." Tinz's girlfriends at least get to be cartoonish supervillains on her TV show. [P6]

  • Mariah Carey finally got around to denying that pregnancy rumor. Now she can consume alcohol with impunity again, whew. [Us]

  • The ex-husband who tried to release a racy vide of Jennifer Lopez is declaring bankruptcy at the hands of J.Lo's suit against him. This sounds like a perfect time for the I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! producers to swoop in. [P6]

  • Battle of the Money Honeys! Maria "No Longer 'Money Honey'" Bartiromo might be "frosty" with fellow CNBC financial reporter Erin "Inherited 'Money Honey' Because Maria Didn't Want It" Burnett, because Burnett skipped Bartiromo's book party. Then again, Erin has a daily 6AM call time at the screaming testosterone hellhole that is the New York Stock Exchange, so who can blame her for skipping evening events in the name of well-restedness. [P6]

  • Jim Carrey did an onstage, spandex-tights-clad duet with Conan O'Brien. There is video. Aziz Ansari, Jon Hamm, Jack McBrayer, and Jonah Hill showed up later. No video of that here, but it probably exists. [E!]

  • Katy Perry bound her feet to reduce them by two sizes in the name of fashion. [P6]